I know, I know. I change blogs too often. Sorry about that.
I was going to have two separate blogs. I was going to keep this one for family related things, things to do with M and the like, and the other one I was going to blog other things, like my interest in gardening, photography, cooking, etc.

However, several people made comments to me that they would rather just have one blog to read. So I am going to TRY to smoosh it all into one blog, the new one...

IF I find that it gets too chaotic over there, then I shall post family/M related stuff here and the other stuff over there, as I intended.

If you do not already have the URL and would like it, please drop me an email at jen dot henderson at gmail dot com.

Thanks for playing... :)

This next week is shaping up to be a busy one! Today so far I have cleaned the bath, made the beds, gathered the laundry and started a load, made breakfast, snuggled with a Pea, watched Spongebob, straightened the living room, put a ton of toys away....and now I am blogging!

I still have to vacuum, damp mop the floors, shower, and get out of here to meet someone in town for some REALLY cool pink lights (for M's room!) that I snagged off of a local 'flea market' Facebook page, and then it is off to civilization to get the Pea school clothes!

Then, this evening, we have to meet her teacher between 5:30 and 7:30. I am both excited and nauseated about this. LOL. I mean, I am SO excited for my little girl to start this part of her life. Then, I think about what it was like for ME and I just pray (hard) that she has a much easier go of it. *sigh*

So, I guess that I had better get my butt in gear if I want to get all of this done. After the school meeting, I have to finish up in my office tonight so that I can start painting tomorrow! YAY!

I am officially the mom of a 5 year old.
Happy Birthday Pea. We love you so very much!! I cannot wait to see what unfolds before you as you start kindergarten this year! You are an amazing little girl and it is really an honor being your parents...

Love, Mommy and Daddy!!

HAHAHAA...

Early bed time FAIL for sure.

M is in her room, yelling at the top of her lungs, "Living is the WORST thing in the WHOLE WORLD!!!"

And then she mumbles that, "This was to be my best day EVER.. now it is RUINED!"

Drama much? Time to cut back on the Spongebob, me thinks.

ROFL.

This is the week to try to settle into a routine. M goes back to school on the 21st. We have been letting her stay up pretty late these last few weeks. It has been nice having her up and around with us, out playing in the yard til dark and having fires and stuff. It is time though to get back to 'normal', and that means a 7:30 bed time. I started last night. Bed time was 8 p.m. She resisted a bit, but it was not too bad. She did not get a bath, and she totally should have LOL! So tonight, I have to have dinner ready by 5, the kitchen cleaned up shortly thereafter, a bath for the pea, and her in bed by 8 tonight. Then, tomorrow night, we can do the same and aim for 7:55 p.m. I figure if I can up it by 5 minutes each night, easy peasy.

Of course, nothing ever goes according to plan, so we shall see. :)

I am supposed to be hearing from her teacher this week. And I need to find out where in the hell she gets the bus. I will take her on her first day. The school is just about 5 or so minutes up the road. I will let her make the decision as to whether or not she wants to take the bus.

I am so nervous. I really hope that she adjusts well. I hope that she likes it and that she makes friends easily. So far, she seems like the type of kid that can handle any situation. She is not shy. She gets right in there and seems to have no problems jumping right in and making herself at home. LOL.

I am still nervous though, even if she is not.

I was thinking today that, so far, she is a pretty confident kid. I hope that she never loses that, EVER. Somewhere along the way, when I was very young, I lost my confidence. I do not know if there was really a defining moment, as I can remember a few instances that were quite damaging to me. And I just hope with all that I am that she never has to deal with that.. I will have to blog about that later. It may help ME to finally get it off my chest. *sigh*

And with that, I am off. I have a ton of things to do today.. Have a good one! And thanks for reading! :)

In three days, my baby will turn 5 years old. *cries*

She is an amazing kid. She is a bit lippy at times, stubborn as all Hell, and a bit feisty too. But she is smart, she has an amazing imagination, and she is lovable. I could go on and on, there are just not enough words to describe her. She is wonderful and we love her so very much. I am quite proud of the kid she is. She whines too much and is a bit of a drama queen (see stubbornness listed above lol) but when she hugs me for no reason and tells me that she loves me? *sigh*

She starts Kindergarten on the 21st. We have her 5 year check up on the 18th. We get to meet her new teacher and see her new school here in the next week. Lots going on!

For her birthday, my mom got her a bike. Her grandma got her a camera! (SO excited to take her out with me, camera in hand!!) We got her some Zhu Zhu pet stuffs since she has been bugging the HELL out of us for them.

I am excited for her. I remember my 5th birthday party.. :)
I cannot wait to go bike riding with her and taking pictures with her! How awesome!!

I do wish time would slow the heck down though. Jeesh. It is just flying by... ugh.

This is about the coolest thing I have seen in FOREVER.

WANT.


LOL

Life in Terra Alta is good so far. I have the windows and doors open. It is about 75 degrees out today. Breezy. Wonderful. The air smells like hay. The clouds are all puffy. Some one is mowing their yard. T just lit the grill. M is outside playing. I am taking just a moment to blog and then I am OUTSIDE for the evening.

Right this very moment, life is most awesome. Except that I miss my mom and wish that she were here with us...

Ok, so. I posted on Facebook the other day about it being my moms last day here. My cousin's kid must have seen it, because a bit later my mom's phone rings. It was my cousin, apologizing. She said we could keep the washer and dryer, but the fridge belonged to her daughter and they wanted it back. Understandable. Fine. She told my mom that she was sorry, that she just had not remembered saying we could take the stuff, but that the fridge was never hers to give away and she had forgotten about it. Whatever. So, cousin's kid came with her hubby and nephew to get the fridge.

She came with them. She came in the house, mom showed her around sorta. She said hi to me and said for me to visit whenever I am down that way and that she would come to see me too when she was in the area. Pfft. I did not say much as I know she is full of it. I lived right across the damned street and she never came to see me....

She never apologized to ME... for being a witch and slamming the door in my face. She never apologized to ME for treating me like I am some sort of low-life thief.

Whatever.

Done.

And yeah Stace, the washer and dryer are old. The washer leak is fixed and the dryer? You just have to dry small loads at a time. All my stuff gets dry now in about 35-40 minutes, as long as I keep the loads small. It is better than having nothing and having the schlep it all to the laundromat.. so I am thankful. VERY thankful.

And that is that. I probably will not have any contact with these people at all.
I want to ditch them all on Facebook, but omg the drama that would ensue? Meh.
I NEED to just ditch Facebook for awhile, but I cannot. I am too connected to too many GOOD people.

So we are almost unpacked. I have a few things to move around tomorrow, and then it is time to get into my office to rip down the wall paper. SO looking forward to that. NOT.

Everything is finding a place. I love this house. I feel so at home here. The hood is so nice and quiet!
I have to re-pot some plants tomorrow too, before they keel over on me. I also want to get the tiki torches into their respective places. We have a cheap little grill for now. It is better than nothing, but sobering in regard to what we used to have. *sigh*

I am hoping to get the office in order this week. By the weekend I hope to have pics to post here. We still have to organize the garage as well.

Then? I hope to get out with my camera to explore the area a bit and get lots of pics! :)

For right now, I am going to mess around on the internets and then hit the hay!

I have been quite busy lately. I miss blogging. ;)

We are all moved into the new house. It is wonderful in ways that I cannot even describe. Our first few nights here, and it just felt like home. Even with boxes and crap all over the place!!

It is so nice and quiet here. I love the house... We got M's room painted and her new bed in place. I have some touch up to do, and some finishing touches to do and her room is done. I am not doing anything with our bedroom, as I like it the way it is. Mom's room is ok the way it is too...for now. The living room will have to wait (want to replace the ceiling and put up new molding) and the kitchen is loverly. The wallpaper where the fireplace is, and down the hall, has got to go. That will be a winter project though.

I was going to paint my office. I am on the fence though. I WANT to paint it, yet I do not want to tear off the wallpaper and actually paint it. I suck at painting. LOL. So, we shall see what happens with that.

We still have quite a bit to unpack and the garage needs to be organized yet. But we are in and enjoying it here. M LOVES her new room.

When we left the old place, my mom had asked my cousin if she could buy the fridge, washer, and dryer that was down in the apartment. My cousin said not to be ridiculous, to just take it.

So we did.

When I went over there yesterday to get the mail and my plants, she opened the door and did not even say Hi to me. She grabbed the mail, handed it to me, and then said, "Uhh.. what happened to the refrigerator, and the washer and dryer that was down in the apartment??"

*crickets*

So I answered, "Uhh. You told my mom that we could have them...." And she says,"No. I SAID that it was to stay with the house."

I was quite taken aback, as that is NOT what happened. She had come over to the house to talk to my mom. My mom let her know that we had a closing date, and that we would be out by months end. She then asked her one simple question, "When you sell the house, do the appliances need to be here?" Cousin said, "No. Why?" At that point my mom told her that we were interested in buying the fridge, and washer and dryer that were all down in the apartment. Cousins exact words at that point were,"Oh Aunt J, don't be ridiculous.. I do not want your money. Just go ahead and take them." My mom then said, "Are you sure?" And cousin said, "Yes. Just take them. I just want to be rid of this place.."

The conversation then turned to other things and that was that.

So, I said to her, "NOOOO. You told Mom that we could take it...."
She gave me a dirty look and said, "Well, I do not remember saying that."

At that point I just looked at her and said, "Well, if you can get someone with a truck, come and get them..."

She said, "Oh. I will get someone up there..." She sort of snorted, all condescending like, and slammed the door in my face.


Right. Okay. I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that this woman has known me MY ENTIRE LIFE. And even though we have lived many miles apart from one another for most of our lives, she KNOWS ME. She KNOWS my MOM. And she KNOWS that we are NOT the type of people who are going to make off with THREE major appliances without an OKAY. I mean, really? What the hell?

I am pissed off beyond words. But more than that? I am crushed. I cried the whole way home after that. It really hurt me... Ugh.

More to come later..including lots of pics!! I need to do some major purging..




"

I looked out the window just now, and I can see the big dipper. It must be an illusion, because
It looks enormous. I know that I am a few thousand feet above sea level now, but I cannot comprehend that it makes that much of a difference!! It is huge compared to what it looked like when I would be sitting out by our pool... interesting.. and with that, I am off to dream land. More to come tomorrow!

Closing on the new house tomorrow at 4. This makes me feel as if I am going to hurl.
Oy.

We put the offer in at the beginning of June. This has taken forever. There has been much hoop jumping, and paper work like you would not believe. We did not have to go through this with our last house. It was easy peasy.

Of course, that explains the whole mortgage crisis, right? Just give a house to any one! They made us fight for this one!

We still have to pack M's playroom. We have been putting it off so as to avoid the meltdown of the century. That will be done tonight. The kitchen will be done tomorrow, and then I am scootching everything on the porch OVER, to make room for what is down stairs.

We move Saturday. I pick up the uhual at 8.

There is that hurling feeling again.


;)

It has been one of those days. I mean, it has not been dreadful or anything. I just had the day planned out a certain way in my head, and it went NOTHING like that. LOL.

We still managed to get a TON done. It has not been too terribly hot today. All of the bedrooms and clothes have been packed up. We have one more closet to do, the kitchen, and then to gather all of the crap that accumulated in the apartment downstairs and the root cellar, PLUS all of M's things out in the yard. Aaaaalmost done.

We found out today that closing may not be Thursday, but either Friday or Saturday. NOT good. ARGH.

But, there is nothing that I can do about it, so gotta let it roll!

Off to have dinner.. another picture post coming hopefully later tonight!

Since my family here does not really want any part of us, I have made sure that we have had a fantastic summer regardless. Because no matter how much I try to play it off and act like I don't care, it stings pretty badly. They have cookouts and parties and stuff and everyone goes except us. We are excluded from everything. I am working hard on just focusing on what I have here in M, T and my mom. They are what matter. Don't make people a priority in your life when you are merely an option in theirs, right? Hell, at this point, we are not even options. *sigh*

Moving on....

The other day we decided to hit the creek. It has been so hot and humid here, and with no air conditioning, it gets to be a bit much at times. We hit one of my favorite spots, and it was a wonderful day.






Upon arriving, I noticed a whole bunch of butterflies gathered in a muddy spot. So, I grabbed my camera and snuck on over to watch them. It was an amazing moment. I settled in, and snapped off a few shots of them. I shifted a bit, and they took flight all around me. It was awesome. I could hear the fluttering of their wings. I felt like I was in a dream for a few seconds. It was really cool.








The water was pretty cold. I was the only one to get in all the way, and I enjoyed every second of it!

M loves looking for fossils and pretty rocks, and she really gets a kick out of seeing fish. She tries to catch them with her hands! ;)

One of the cooler parts of the day though, was watching the trains roll by overhead on the bridge. We got to see 2 or 3 of them that day.





It was a most awesome day, indeed.

I have missed the FL sunsets. A lot. Being tucked in the valley here, the sun goes down behind the mountain around 5, and sunset is not until much, much later. Kind of a bummer, so the other day, my friend J and I went off in search of a sunset.

It was cloudy and overcast and we did not really expect much. I guess that is why I was so thrilled with the photo's I shot that night!

The evening was wonderful. There was a wonderful breeze blowing around the smell of the country (cow poop and hay, gotta love it!), I was with friends that I adore, we saw lots of deer, and the sunset turned out just beautiful!

I got to see where J grew up....


I got to spend some quality time with J and her momma D.. and I just REALLY enjoyed getting out and seeing some of the area. I cannot wait to do it again!!

There are a lot of old and abandoned houses around here. Each time T and I go to the VA Hospital in Clarksburg, we pass this one place, and I always say, "I HAVE to stop and shoot this place!"



I finally did, but was only able to fire off 2 or 3 shots. The house is on a sharp curve. I was in the street, as that is as close as I could get. The entire property is fenced with barbed wire. There is a gate with a sign stating that there is livestock roaming around and the gate must be locked at all times.

I was bummed that I could not get closer.

T and I were talking about the old place the other day. He was wondering aloud about its history. The architecture alone lets us know that this was not a poor family that built the house. I would LOVE to see the inside, even in the decaying state it is in, I bet it is beautiful. This place just screams at me when we drive past. I would love to know who lived here. What did they do for a living? How many families lived here over the years? Why did it end up abandoned?

All questions I will never know the answer to. :(

My kidlet is going to be 5 exactly one month from today. *sigh*
She is such a fantastic kid. I love how people respond to her. She is such a ... light. Does that make sense?

We will be moving at the end of the month. For those of you that don't know, we got a house in an nearby town. Thanks to my mom, we will have a wonderful new start. I am hoping to really set roots down in this place.

We will start going to church. M will start kindergarten. Next spring, I am planting a garden. I want to get some fruit trees.. an apple tree, a peach tree, and a cherry tree. I also want a gorgeous red maple for the front yard. I want to fence in the yard, and have blackberry, raspberry and blueberries growing along side the garage. I would also like to make a small grape arbor. :)

Big plans. Let's see how many I can actually accomplish.

I have yet another blog (no worries, I am staying right here as well) that will focus on that sort of thing. This here blog is going to mainly be about M and T and my mom and I.. our little family... :)

My writing is sort of all over the place, and I want to try to reign it in a bit.

We get to start over in this new house and I am hoping to stay organized, and on task. I want to blog regularly, both here and at the other place. I will link to it when it is ready.

And with that being said, I must go for now.. Have a great weekend!

Everyone always says, “Just write for you, and no one else! It does not matter if people don’t read; you are not doing it for them.”

Ok, partly true. However, the fact that I have been at this since 2000, and I literally have 3 readers really sucks. OUCH.

People always tell me that I am a fantastic writer. Really? Then where in the hell is everyone? I must be boring as HELL. I swear.

There is really no point to this for me anymore. I mean, I like having the outlet. I like to blog. But, with no one really reading and having pretty much NO interaction with people, it just doesn’t do it for me.

*sigh*

Okay, okay. Enough whining. We all know that I am not going anywhere. Apparently, I am a sucker for punishment. LOL.

Now, a REAL post will come later.

Most of you know that at one point, T and I had not one, but two Nissan trucks. We LOVED them. Seriously. I loved my truck. And I loved his even more. I never 'got' when people would get all stupid over cars. But, well, I do that over old Nova's, 69 Camaro SS's and Nissan Frontiers. LOL.

Anyway, I venture over to Nissan's website every now and then to drool over new Frontiers and Xterras.. and today I came upon this...

It is a long read.. so to sum it up short and sweet? That man's last name is Nissan. He has been using his name forever and a day in his business dealings (companies owned etc.) and it started back when Nissan vehicles were known as Datsun.

Nissan Motor has gone after this poor man, relentlessly, for YEARS. It is UNREAL. This is a business owner from North Carolina.. he is no threat to Nissan Motor.

This is just one example of big corporations being ruthless and disgusting. To be honest, I am not sure I would ever buy another one based on this. This really pissed me off.

The kicker for me was that Nissan Motor went after this guys throat, put him through the wringer, then had the nerve to petition the court for money to cover their legal costs when the court ruled in MISTER NISSAN's favor!

Oy. That is big business for you huh? Pfffft. If you have time, give it a read. It is crazy!!

Ok, I guess I can vent this here cause I think there are like 3 of you reading this still...

First, let me say that I DO believe that she is guilty. Second? I did not even watch the trial, just heard what was going on in the news. I was NOT SHOCKED by the jury's decision. I think they acted accordingly. Before you scream at me, just wait. I will explain in a moment. Third? I am REALLY finding it hard to keep my mouth shut on Facebook. The things people are saying!! Eeee man. I mean, I guess I sort of understand, as right now people are being ruled by emotion.

But COME ON people!! There are rules and laws and you cannot convict someone just because you feel that she is a douche with no soul!! All of these comments that I am seeing where people are like "What is WRONG with that jury??" and "Florida should be ashamed!"

Jurors have rules that they have to follow. They have to listen to the evidence presented. They have to listen to the defense try to tear holes in the state's evidence. If there is REASONABLE DOUBT, they do not convict. And there was reasonable doubt, at least in regards to EVIDENCE. *SIGH*

Ok, that is it. I am done. LOL. *steps down off soapbox*

I love history. I am not a huge buff or anything, but sometimes I find myself wanting to know more about a certain time or event. I read lots, whenever I can, until the desire is satiated. I live in an area that is rich in Civil War history. I find myself rather fascinated by it all. One thing that I never fully understood though, was re-enactments and such. I always thought it kind of funny.

This past weekend, our town hosted a WWII Living History weekend. I was asked to go on down and take some photos.




I got WAY more than I bargained for. It was AWESOME. There were no re-enactments to speak of (not that I witnessed anyway), but these people were dressed in clothes from the time period. They had tents and Jeeps and guns and other goods from the time period. They had small fires burning and they answered any questions we had.




What I found fascinating, were the stories behind the loot. Some of the weapons and artifacts that these people had were of a very personal nature, as they had been passed down from their grandfathers and great-grandfathers. A lot of the stuff was found on eBay, or in a back shed in someone's yard, long forgotten.




We talked to this one man for a very long time. His name escapes me now, but his story was fascinating. He has been a long time history buff, traveling far and wide to see sites of past battles. He is a huge collector of anything to do with WWI and WWII. As we looked at his guns, T asked him about a particular one. It looked a bit different from all of the others.




This gun was found in the shed behind the New Jersey house belonging to his nephew's girlfriend. It had been sitting in a corner for almost 60 years. The girl was a bit of an anti-gun freak and told her boyfriend that it had to go. He called his uncle, and shipped it to him. It had belonged to the girl's grandfather. He had shot and killed a Japanese soldier and then had taken his gun.

There are blood stains all over the gun. You can actually see where the soldier had been holding on to the gun. It was a somber moment. After he pointed that out to us, T and I got really quiet for a moment. The guy just said, "Yeah.....", as he let the reality of it settle in to our heads.

We talked to another man who was a Desert Storm vet. He had dual citizenship in Australia and had served in their armed forces as well. The guy was fascinating. He had his son with him, who seemed to be really enjoying himself.

There were 'German' soldiers there, as well as a tent with 'Russian' soldiers (some of them female) and they were all extremely friendly and informative. There were a lot of vets walking around. We only got to talk to one or two of them. We thanked them for their service and sacrifice, but asked few questions. I find that I just do not know what to ask them some times. *sigh*

I am SO glad that I had the opportunity to talk with these people. T and I really enjoyed it and I look forward to the next time they come around!

Today is a rough day. This is a rough week. But instead of wallowing in sorrow, I am going to savor. I am going to savor the memories I have of two people that I loved very much, who are no longer here...

Both of them would smack in the skull for doing anything less than that. :)

I came here with something to say, and now it's gone. LOL. Hate it when that happens.
I have a lot to do today. First up is a shower, and some laundry. Then food. THEN I gotta run to Kingwood to handle some things. Then back home to study! Hoping today is a great day..

Posted a note in FB, and feel silly posting it here as well. Damn you Facebook! *shakes fist*

Ok, I gotta get moving.. to my 4 readers, lol, have a GREAT DAY.. SAVOR IT.

That has been running through my mind over and over again. Last night, I went to bed feeling so much better about life. It was as if a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders.

Both of my sister's husbands are battling life threatening issues. One has cancer, the other is in end-stage liver failure. A blogger friend of mine is currently battling breast cancer (amazingly, might I add), and well, it just seems to be everywhere. My moms cousin was killed in an auto accident last week. She had gone out for a nice dinner with her husband, and some guy was texting his mother and hit them head on. J died a short while later at the hospital, her husband laid up in the hospital with a ton of horrible injuries.

The bottom line?

LIFE IS TOO SHORT to let bullshit get in the way. For once, it is going to be ALL ABOUT ME. :)

Well, not entirely. I mean, I just know what I need to focus on to get myself where I want to be, so I can be the person that I have seemingly lost.

And with that, I need to go play with my kid. :) After that, I am going for a walk to take some pictures.

I was looking for bloggers from West Virginia. I did not really find any. But I DID find this post. I had read a few of her other posts. But the one I just linked to? Made me sob, uncontrollably, to the point that I felt sick.

I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. I am so tired of NOT LIVING. I left her a comment and thanked her for the post. I mean, it MOVED me in a way that I do not think a blog post has ever done before.

I have to run for now, go spend some time with my kid and get her fed and ready for tball.. but I plan to link to her and follow her and hope that she continues to blog. What an amazing woman...

And I have a new motto..

It is NEVER too early to start savoring.

:o)

I love taking pictures. I like capturing memories. Most of my photos are not very good, but that was never my aim. Until now. For years I have had a high-falutin' expensive camera and I never really learned to use it the way that it was meant to be used. What a shame, really.

That is going to change.

Lately, I feel life slipping from my grip. I am merely a bystander. I don't like feeling like this. I have been trying for years to lose weight. I have failed. I started school HOW long ago? And I failed. I gave up, or I was too depressed.. I had wanted to be a certain kind of parent. Am I that parent? NO.

And I am TIRED of it all.

So, it was time to give myself a good, old-fashioned attitude adjustment. I was toying with a new domain name, but have since decided against it. I shall keep this one. See, I am not sure if T and I are going to survive. I do not really want to get into that here because I am trying to keep a positive outlook going here.

All I can do is work on ME.

So, a few short term goals are in order:

Go for a walk every.single.day. And move it.. get your heart rate UP and get your blood pumping.
Drink more water.
Spend more time giving thanks and noticing the little things.
Eat 3 small meals a day with HEALTHY snacks in between.
FINISH FREAKING SCHOOL ALREADY. Gosh.
Get at least 8 hours of sleep a night.
Learn more about your cameras and take pictures EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
Find a quiet spot and spend some time meditating.
STOP with the self-deprecating comments.
Spend 24 minutes a day doing that DVD workout you love so much.
Get back to FLY'ing with the Flylady (don't laugh..that woman has it RIGHT.)


Ok, I could keep going, but that will have to do for now.
I am putting it out there.. to hopefully hold my ass accountable.

Wish me LUCK. If my past is any indication, Ima gonna need all the luck I can get.


For some long term goals?

Get better with my camera. Some day, I would like to make money with it.
Get a JOB.
Find a gym and hire a trainer.
Garden. GARDEN GARDEN GARDEN. And canning. I wanna eat my own food instead of spending money on God-only-knows what at the store.
Try to consume less packaging. Turn off the lights, conserve energy, etc. Lessen the ol' carbon footprint.
Get my mom to move here. I miss her so much when she is gone.
Volunteer. Help make my community better. GET INVOLVED.

Now, IF I can accomplish each of these goals, I will finally feel comfortable in being who I am, for I will be what I truly want to be; a loving, giving, caring, tolerant, self-sufficient individual in every sense. I will love myself, and therefore can truly love and appreciate my surroundings.

I love my mom and my daughter more than anything in this world. They inspire me. But I am not all that I can be FOR them because I am such a mess right now. So, I figured.. if I work on me, then it will all fall into place...

Right??

*sigh*

I am itching to go camping. So, I think that on Thursday evening, I am going to dig out the tent, and set it up in the yard to let it air out. Then, Friday night we can take the Pea and camp out in the yard and have a fire and stuff. Then.. the following weekend, I wanna camp for real, at a campground. There is one near here, but no one seems to know much about it. I am hoping I can scoot over there to check it out. That will be my birthday weekend. Meh.

My Pop died on my birthday in 1997. He died right here in what is now the Pea's playroom. I had been here the week before, spending time with him and the family. I left just three days before he passed. It was awful. I had just started a new job and I could not come back for his funeral.

This is the first time I will be here on that day. I am conflicted about this. I mean, I know he wouldn't want me being all mopey and upset... but I am not sure that I can wake up in this house that morning and NOT be a mess.

So, I think it is time to go camping.

Or maybe I should just put on my big girl undies and face it?

*sigh*

I know that I will definitely head up to the cemetery that day. I can talk to him and have a good cry and try to get on with the day, I guess.

I really want to go camping, and I wanna do it before it gets too hot... so my birthday weekend is as good a time as any, right? I mean, no one here gives a shit that it is my birthday. Just to spend some time with Mom, Pea and T (and JEN if she comes lol) will be all that I need.

:)

Yesterday was icky. I slept awful the night before, and after getting M on the bus yesterday I immediately crawled back into bed. T dragged me out of bed around 11:30. I ate, went to study, gave in around 3 as I could no longer concentrate, and spent some time with the pea playing games. Momma made dinner. I ate, watched Days and a recorded Law & Order LA and went to bed. I was asleep before 9:30. I woke up this morning at 5:30 feeling MUCH better. I wanted to get in a full day of studying, but must run some errands. We are out of a ton of things, the most important of which being toilet paper. :)

Today is also my Nanny's birthday. I am going to clip some of her blooming Irises, and take them up to the cemetery. My Aunt is also up there, and I have not been up since she passed. Then there is my Pop, and my Uncle Dutch.. and Hug, an ex-boyfriend of my cousin, who died back in 1982. Miss them all.

So, an emotional day on deck. Then, tonight, if it ever stops raining, M has a tball game.

It really needs to slow down with the rain! Today is the first morning I have seen the sun in DAYS. The river is up, and angry. We are under a flood watch. We JUST mowed the grass a few days ago, and by the weekend it is going to be all crazy again. I mowed the hilly part, and DAMN. My upper body hurt so bad the next day. I had to push the mower UP the hill, instead of mowing from the top because the grass was wet and I did not want to fall on my ass!

Hmm. What else can I add to my randomness? Meh.. I will leave it at that for now. :)

Nikki Sixx posted this on Facebook today...


Four Agreements that I try to live by:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
-----------

I cannot even begin to tell you how awesome I think this man is. I am going to print this out, laminate it, and keep it in my pocket at all times. I am going to read the hell out of it, until I have it memorized. These are things that I would like to live by as well, especially #2...

We had a few REAL nice days lately. It was GREAT to get outside. Then I got sick with strep. Awesome. Ugh. T ended up mowing the yard by himself and a few days later I raked up the mess. It felt so good to get moving and spend some time outside! It was SO nice out.








T and I had a great day out exploring in the 'burg one day last week. My cousin J let us use his 4-wheeler and we had a blast. Cannot wait to do that again!






We signed up M for t-ball. She had her first game on Saturday and she did WAY better than I thought she would. The night before the game she was all dramatic and overtired and she said she was quitting and she would NEVER play t-ball ever ever EVER. *eye roll*

She can hit better than most of the kids there. Her fielding is non-existent lol, so we shall work on that part. But she loves hitting the ball and running the bases. We went and got her a mitt and a few balls and a bat. I cannot wait to get out there with her today to practice!














I was all PMS-y the other day and when she announced that the gift she made at school for Mother's Day for mommy was going to grammy instead, it really hurt me. She still insisted that it go to grammy this morning, and all I could do was just shut up about it. It was her decision and I did not want my mom to feel any worse than she already did.. still stung a bit though.

I did a bit of cleaning today. I had to get some laundry done so I do not have to mess with it this week, as I will be busy with school all week, and M has t-ball practice on Monday and Thursday and games on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Hoping J will let us use the 4-wheeler again this week so we can get out for another ride. I wanna get over on the other side of the river!

We are also going to build our fire pit this week. Gonna be a busy week!
Today we are going to grill some steaks and corn, and I am about to go make some yummy pasta salad. Hoping to have a wonderful, fun afternoon with my little family.

Hope you all have had a great weekend! If you follow me on Facebook, you have seen the pics. Sorry..

Until next time..

I will never forget his face. One day back in 2001, T and I were out doing yard work. We were renting a small house in an okay hood near Busch Gardens. If the wind was blowing in the right direction, you could hear the screams of the people on the coasters.

It was a small little house. I had blogged pictures way back when of the ugly blue tiled kitchen, that our landlord graciously agreed to upgrade for us, if we ripped out the old ugliness. Which we gladly did! Anyway, we were out doing yard work. T had gone in to get us something cold to drink and I was mowing. This guy pulls up in an old Blazer and asks me about trimming some trees that were weighing on our power lines. He gave me a business card, from a tree trimming service, with his name on it. Something about this guy was off.

I struggle with being judgmental. Too often we judge people on how they look. This guy, in all honesty, screamed 'crackhead' to me. And I instantly felt guilty. The more I looked at him, and listened to him, the more I felt like he was a cockroach. Again, I felt guilty.

He told me that he and his crew were in the area trying to drum up some business, some regular customers. He said he would be back later to trim the trees, and he would haul it all off for $100. He had a lot to cut, so, sounded good to me. He also saw all of the old kitchen debris that was in the back yard. He asked about it, and told me that he would also haul all of that off, for an additional $100. It was a LOT of stuff. I told him that I needed to check with my landlord about the tree trimming, because that is something she should pay for.. it was HER house, after all. So T called her and she agreed.

He came back much later in the evening, with another guy. Right then T and I were like "Ut oh..." There was no mistake about it now. They were crackheads. High as kites, they both were.
Tony was kind of agitated, and so we let them cut the shit down. He dragged out all of the crap from the back yard, and bundled it all up nicely. He drug it to his truck and using the tree trimmings, made sort of a nest-like thing to hold all of the kitchen stuff. He told T that his buddy was right on the next street with the truck and he was going to drag in over there to toss it all in. T gave him $200 and came in the house.

Then, Tony drove around the front of our house, and his friend jumped out of the truck, pulled everything out and off the truck and dumped it in the street and took off.

We were not really surprised at that point. I called the number on the card he had given me and asked if Tony worked there. The man I spoke with replied with a heavy sigh, "No. I fired him about 3 months ago. He has... problems." I said, "So, he is smoking the $200 we just gave him, huh?" And the man replied, "Yes.. most likely...I am very sorry."

And then we had to pay another dude $100 to come and haul the shit away. That guy seemed legit and we hired him to start mowing and weed-whacking the yard. We were heavy into mountain biking at the time and that freed up a good amount of time for us to do just that.

All was well for a few months, til he showed up at our house one night around 11 p.m. wanting to know if we would pay him the $30 we usually paid him, early, so he could get his sick kid medicine. I thought "Yeah. Sure.. right." He looked strung out and desperate. I have him the $30 to get him to go away and asked that he not do this again.

He did show up to do the lawn a few days later, when he was supposed to. But he was drunk. At 11 a.m. on Sunday morning. At that point, we told him that we would no longer need his services.

THEN.. when T went off the rails and was using and hanging out with slime.. he got on a crew trimming trees and stuff. That was one of the first things I asked him, "Please tell me you did not go around ripping people off like Tony Chillura..??" He swears up and down that they never ripped anyone off. I have to assume they did not, because they actually had repeat customers.. but still.

To know that my hubby was... was like this guy, makes me queasy.
I am so thankful that T decided to get it together. And while there have been slip-ups, thankfully they were not with crack.

I really didn't want to blog about that stuff anymore, but it creeps in from time to time and sometimes I just need to get it out. It is REALLY hard for me to look back on the last 3 years of our lives. It is hard to admit that my hubby was a crackhead. And a pillhead. He was the most amazing man I had ever met (besides my daddy, of course), and I just cannot really wrap my head around what he became. It is all so surreal. He is working hard to be that man again, and hes making strides and that is all that I can ask for.

I try to just keep looking forward, hoping and praying. If he makes that choice again, he is doing it solo, because I do not have it in me to go through all of that again.

Bah. I need to find my happy place, because now I am all angry and stressed. *deep breath*

I have looked forward to this moment for a very long time. The day when my kid comes through the door from school, with a hand-crafted gift for me, for Mother's Day.

Today, my kid walked in the door, and told me that the gift she made was not for me. It was for Grammy. She said that it was a gift for someone special and that she did not want to give it to me.

My heart.just.BROKE.

I love my mom. And she is AWESOME with M and I love the bond that they have. But god DAMN if that did not make me feel like dying. That kid is my HEART. I know that she is barely 5, and does not understand the severity of her words... but still. She knows enough.. she knows that it was made for someone special, and that person is not her mommy. Ugh.

I feel like nothing. That truly hurt me.. in a way that I cannot describe. I am hoping that it is just due to severe PMS and in a day or so I will get over it. But right now? I cannot stop sobbing.

Ugh.

Hi. *waves*

This is probably going to be random and scattered, but, well, nothing new there, right? LOL

We picked up my mom last week at Pittsburgh Airport. M cried when she saw her. It was so sweet. My mom asked her why she was crying and M replied with, "Oh Grammy..these are tears of JOY.." Haha.
My kid is SO dramatic.

It has been so nice having mom around. I missed her. And I did not even realize HOW MUCH until she was actually here.

The weather has been wondermous. Cool evenings, warm days, foggy mornings perfect for sitting out on the porch with a steaming cuppa joe. I love sleeping with the windows open. I listen to the river as I drift off most nights. The birds start around 4:30 though, f**kers. So, I am usually awake at that time.

I need a hair cut in the worst way.

I also need to get back to exercising. Most of my time these days is spent getting school done. That is a very sore subject for me. It has taken me so long, for so many different reasons. And when I think about how in the time it has taken me, I actually could have attained a real college degree..well... it makes me grouchy so we will just move on mmkay?

Depression is a real bitch. I do not believe that I suffer from clinical depression. My depression is situational. After what I have been through, I think it is NORMAL to be depressed.
I had to go through an actual grieving process in regards to the loss of ... well, my life as I knew it. Even though we were going to lose our house, it was going to be on OUR terms.. yah know? Did not work out that way though, as most of you know.

Annnyway.. I have started to move on out of a pretty icky bout of the D word. I had to dig deep and quit feeling sorry for myself. It is what it is. Shit happens. I still have my moments. I have finally realized that it is OKAY to look back once in awhile. I just cannot LIVE there. Because when I do, I am missing out on NOW. And NOW is pretty awesome. Sorta. I cannot go into the sorta part here.. but if you remove the sorta, I am dandy.

Confused? LOL

There is an awful lot that I love about this place. One of them is this time of the year, when the mornings are cool and damp. The air has a wonderful fresh quality to it. I wish that I could bottle up for later use. The birds are chirping and the sun is fighting it's way through the fog. Bands of fog rise up off of the river, clinging to the mountain as it slowly makes it's climb. I love to sit and watch..

I love the birds and flowers. Hate the bees and the excessive rains. Always have to remind myself that April showers bring May flowers! LOL

And with that, I am off to make a grocery list. Be jealous. *wink*

Lots of changes on the horizon. Some good, some bad. I have a LOT on my mind, yet cannot really put it all out there yet. If you know what I am talking about, then.. sshhh. LOL.

I am thinking I need a private blog. This one is listed on facebook and even though no one really reads it, there are certain people there that I just do not want in my bidness. Going to be removing a lot of 'friends' on FB here really soon.

I have enough drama in my life. I simply do not need more. *sigh*

I will TRY to get together a decent blog post here soon.

My desire to blog, that is. Meh. I just have too much to say. I do not know where to start. I will try though, and hopefully it doesn't turn out to be a rambling MESS.

As you know, I struggle with keeping my chin up. I try SO hard. I know that I have so much to be thankful for.

Like:

My Mom.
My M.
My T.
The fact that my family agreed to us coming here instead of selling this place.
I can get out of bed each day. I can see, smell, hear, taste, and feel, both literally and with my head and my heart. I definitely battle some depression, but I believe that it is situational and not clinical. I definitely have some anxiety, but nothing that cannot be handled by some quiet, alone time. I have all of my parts and they all work, even if a few creak and hurt a bit with movement. LOL.

My friends. I have some WONDERFUL friends.

I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I even have a few niceties like hot, running water, a working terlet, washing machine and dryer, a bed, heat, tv, and basic satellite tv. Oh and my phone.

So see? I really do not have it bad.

So when I have a couple of bad days, it really brings me down. I have started to remind myself of the little things. When I go outside, I breathe deep. The air here smells wonderful. I stop and watch the birds. I take time to appreciate the flowers popping up everywhere. I watch my kid in awe.. and I love on her every chance that I get. I run through the sprinkler with her. I color with her. I cannot wait to camp with her and to float down river with her. I watch her with her daddy and my heart wants to go 'BOOM'. She loves him. And he loves her. And in those moments my world is a-okay.

I need to get out with my camera. Hopefully, one day soon, it will STOP RAINING long enough for me to do that...

Years ago, in middle school, there was this gal that I thought was my friend. Her name is Suzanne. She invited a bunch of us over for a sleep-over. I think there were 5 or 6 of us girls there, and it started off fun enough.

Keep in mind that most of these girls were very confident. I was not. I was picked on for being fat (which i was not!) and I was picked on for being a tomboy (which I was, and I have no shame for that.) and I thought these girls were my FRIENDS.

Suzanne had a brother named Mikey. He was a cutie. They thought it would be funny to try to get me to believe that Mikey liked me. I did not believe it. Towards the end of the night, after HOURS of them goading me, I started to think that MAYBE it could be true.

Just before we all went to sleep, Suzanne started laughing at me. She then said "We were KIDDING! You do not honestly believe that my brother would actually like YOU, do you?" The rest of the girls erupted into fits of laughter, and I was left feeling like a useless piece of shit. I cried myself to sleep that night.

The morning was torture. I felt like such a fool. Where as the night before (before the trickery) I had felt like I belonged, now I felt like a total outcast. My mom could not get there fast enough to get me.

I ended up with a raging hatred for Suzanne. It just festered and festered. I cannot say that I held much of anything other than disdain for the other girls as well.

I just found her on Facebook. She was in the friends list of a mutual friend. As soon as I saw her face, I knew it was her. She really looks like her brother these days. I could see his face. This led me to asking said friend about Mikey. Not sure why I cared, but I did ask. I did not get the typical answer that I expected. As in, "Oh.. he is married and living in [place], has a few kids, etc..."

No. What I got told was that there was a horrible accident, and hes dead.

And I hate this about me, but, well, I did not feel bad about it.

I did not rejoice or anything. I did not take pleasure in this fact, but I did not go "OH my gosh! Really?", like I would have done with any one else. And I thought about Suzanne and what a nasty person she was, at least to me. And I thought of her suffering the loss of her brother.

And I did not feel bad.

Now. Usually, I am quite empathetic. I really am. If you know me, you KNOW this about me. However, I had no empathy for her. None.

Ugh. This is one of the things that I really want to change about myself over the next year. I have a LOT of things I want to change. But, well, one thing at a time.
Just getting this out there makes me feel better.

We cannot change what we do not acknowledge, right?

I had wanted to get the apartment cleaned for when mom gets here, so that we can paint and stuffs.
Of course, the hot water tank for down there took a crap the other day. The bottom is all rusted out and it was spewing water all over the basement. Thankfully, there is a drain right beside the tanks!

My mom called my cousin about getting a new one, but I have yet to hear anything. I need hot water to clean!! Ugh. My cousins hubby was also going to fix the concrete stairs outside, and now that is not happening either.

FRUSTRATED. The stairs are a huge hazard. They are crumbling and very dangerous. :(

I can see buds on a lot of the trees. And my river looks oh so inviting, even if it IS still very cold outside. I NEED to go camping. And soon. *sigh*

Well, I need to go clean. Yay. :P

It was 18 degrees outside when I took M out to get the bus this morning. This kinda sucks. LOL.
This is the hardest thing for me. I want my FL weather. I REALLY do.

I am struggling SO hard with whether or not I want to stay here. Part of me REALLY does love it here. Spring and summer have so much potential here. But then I think of winter and having to face it again. Ugh.

I love the snow. I love watching it fall. I love going for walks in it. I love how it makes everything so beautiful. But then, it gets melty and gray and it makes a huge mess. The bleakness of winter pokes through again and well.. *sigh*

The truth of the matter is this.. I cannot afford to live anywhere else. Even when I get a job, it will not be enough for us to survive in FL. This schooling was never meant to support this family, it was to supplement T's income. Now I am left trying to figure out how it is going to pay the bills.

And here, it WILL suffice. In FL, we would have to live in the ghetto. Seriously.

This is the real hard part for me. We had it all once. And now? Pfft. Can't pay the bills. It is a tough pill to swallow, but I am just trying my hardest to make the best of what we DO have, even it is not much. We have M.. who is amazing in every way. We have my mom, who, what can I say? AMAZING. In every way.

I can get out of bed each day. I can see and smell and taste and move and BE. And that is a lot more than what some people have.

When I get in these funks, I just try to remember that I COULD be living under a bridge somewhere. So, I AM thankful.

I just miss FL and the beach and the WARM WEATHER.

*sigh*

That is the day! We get mom at the airport on the 17th. I cannot wait.

We are not telling M. We want to surprise her! :)

I have a lot of work to do before then! Between school and cleaning up down stairs, Ima gonna be BUSY. Oy. :)

Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a memory will pop into my head. A memory from my old life. Today it was just a simple memory, yet it brought me to my knees.

I walked to the sink to do the few dishes that were soaking, and as I looked up and out the window, this memory of standing in front of my sink, looking out at T lighting the tiki torches around the pool flooded my brain.

The pets were in various places around the pool, watching T.
M was in her playroom. Her little hands were planted firmly on the glass of the slider, watching her daddy. We were getting ready for yet another night outside in the glorious FL weather. Steaks at the ready, grill heating up, bathing suits on...

It literally brought me to my knees. The pain I felt in that moment was very similar to the pain I have felt at the loss of a loved one. How freaking insane in THAT?? I mean, I am really trying to NOT be all dramatic here, but, it was a gut-wrenching feeling. I rarely look back on that time, as it is indeed far too painful. Sometimes though, I do not have a choice.

I am trying my hardest to focus on life here, and now. Yet, 'back then' WILL find its way forward into this new life, as that is WHO we are. Tiki torches, darts, fires, grilling out.. that is all WHO we are. And I look forward to bringing that into the here and now.

I am hoping that in due time, the memories of the past will not be so damned sharp.

I got an e-card from my mom the other day that simply stated:

"HAPPY RETIREMENT TO ME!! AS OF 4/15

WEST BYGOD HERE I COME

LOVE YA!!!!!"

It made me cry. Actually, I think sob is a better word for it. I miss my mom so much! I hope she can be happy here. She is about to become a true snowbird! She will spend winter in FL. Which means no having her here on Christmas. We may have to figure something out in regards to that, because I really want her around for Christmas. *sigh*

So, I have to hurry hurry with school and I have to deep clean the apartment, so that when she gets here, we can paint and get carpeting. The place needs new windows desperately.

Anyway, I cannot wait. She made my YEAR with that email. :)

Sometimes, I have a hard time letting go. I do not really hold grudges, per se, but sometimes I just cannot let go. As the saying goes, "I don't have issues, I have volumes!" So true.

For instance, I just came across the photos of a gal on Flickr that I used to know, and by know I mean that we used to read and comment on each other's blogs. I had posted about how complete my life was on a Valentine's Day many moons ago, and she commented on my blog all nasty-like. She said that she was tired of me blathering on about my happy, wonderful life and that she was ugly, unhappy, alone, and would never find someone to love her. I went to her blog to comment and ask, "WTF?" When I went over there, she had written a whole post about me and how she was so tired of my blathering about my perfect life, and how I was boring anyway and that she removed my link and was not going to bother with me anymore. Then her lemming commenters all trashed me. People who had NO idea who I was, or who had even ever read my blog!

Before I got pissed off at her nastiness, I felt really bad for her. In all honesty, she was not a very pretty girl. But I had really liked her. I liked her blog and what she had to say. I felt that we had a lot in common. She was in to photography and I thought she was very good. I was hurt by her words.

Then I just got mad. I mean, to be so pissy to another because you are jealous? That is some yuckiness right there. What a way to live, yah know?

Well, I just came across her on Flickr again, after YEARS of not even really thinking about her. She is now married, with a one-year-old son. It was nice to see her so happy. I mean, she looks really, REALLY happy. And it made me smile for her.

I am not mad anymore. :)

But before I came to that conclusion of not being mad any more, I had a moment where I wanted to email her and tell her that I was glad she found someone and is now a mom, and I hoped she was happy to have it all, because I lost what I had and I hoped that made her happy.

But then, really? Talk about petty!! Gosh. I hate when I think along those lines!
I cannot carry around baggage like this. It is not healthy. So, I took a deep breath and let it go.

Because while I may not have what I USED to have... I have my M. And T, even though we have ups and downs and good days and days where I simply want him gone, it is a HELL of a lot better than it was at this point last year and the year before.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Perspective is everything.

Loving that my girl likes being outside! On the way to the store yesterday, she was noticing all of the little water falls that pop up all over the place when we have heavy rain. So I decided to stop where I knew there was a bigger one so she could check it out. There are some old limestone caves there as well and she made a beeline for them! She thought they were the coolest things EVER. I always thought so too when I was a kid.










When I was able to drag her from the caves, we went to check out the waterfall. It had started to rain and the wind had picked up, so she wanted to go back into the caves! Haha. I was able to snap a quick pic and then it was back to the car! She was mad.. and she informed that I HAVE to take her back to the caves someday, with a flashlight so she can see the dark places. :)




I really cannot wait to take her camping and exploring! She is just going to love it when we can get out and actually do things with her! And we will have just as much fun!

I went to bed early last night, and had the most crazy, fantastic dream I think I have ever had. Of course, I remember very little of it now. I remember waking in the middle of the night thinking "Whoah! That was insane!! MUST remember that!!", before I drifted off back to sleep. Upon awaking, I remembered very little.

I DO remember that it consisted of me and T going to the ISS. Without a shuttle. LOL. We were in these pod-like things that got launched into space using a futuristic slingshot. It was WILD. It was FUN. When we got near the space station, the CANADARM reached out with these tentacle-like appendages and pulled us in.

Clearly, I watch too much NASA and too many sci-fi movies. Haha. I wish that I could remember more! I think we actually used the pod thing to go to the moon too, because I seem to vaguely remember scooting around the moon on a rover.

Yes. Imma dork. :O)

And my kid is showing a HUGE interest in space and the shuttle. She will sit and watch the NASA channel with me. So cool. She has these space flash cards that I had nabbed out the dollar bin at Target awhile back and she can tell you the difference between a comet, an asteroid and a meteor. She can name the planets.

She thinks it is funny that we live in the 'milky way', and she always asks if it tastes like the candy bar. A comedienne in the making?

I like it that M is interesting. She is quirky and silly and fun. I squished her much this morning, telling her what an awesome kid she is. She just smiled and said "I know mommy!"
Eep! I don't want to breed conceit. I just do not want her to ever have self-esteem issues like I have. I am almost 40 and I still have awful issues. I am working very hard to change that though.

Take this morning, for example. I slept great. I woke up to a gray, gloomy, rainy day. Usually that would get me down right away. But as I sit here and type, listening to the birds chirping happily outside, I REFUSE to let the weather get me down. Today WILL be a great day! I WILL get certain things accomplished! The first of which being coffee and a healthy breakfast!!

Be nice today for no reason. Do a little something unexpected for someone. SMILE.

:D

There are so many places around here that I simply cannot wait to take my family too. Blackwater Falls State Park is one of those places. It is pretty no matter the season.

Here it is in August:



And here it is in February:


We are nature lovers, so spending the day in the area hiking and stuff is right up our alley. I cannot wait!

Now if Mother Nature would quit playing games...
After several wonderful days in the 50s and 60s.. here it is this afternoon:


Yeah. She be funny, huh? Pfft. LOL

It IS pretty. And I love watching the snow fall. At this point though, I already have my shorts and Birks at the ready.. so.. let us get a move on with the spring thing already!!

So, after spending WAY too much time this morning in photochop, only to realize that I just simply no longer have the design mojo, I opted for this template. Cute, no? I was tired of the dark grayishness. We have enough of the gloom with the weather. :)

I slept with the window open last night. I was nice. This morning, it started snowing and it has yet to stop. I am not sure how much we are supposed to get. My weather thingy on my phone said little accumulation, and the Pittsburgh station said 3 to 4 inches. Oy. It IS pretty and I really don't mind it all that much. But when Mother Nature starts peppering your weeks with gorgeous, sunny, 60 degree days and then goes the way of the nut bin with this stuff again? Meh. Makes me a wee grouchy.

T seems to be a bit more himself today, so hoping we can Wii later and actually, maybe..have some FUN for once.

And with that, I am out. I need to go stand by the heater. My extremities are frozen.

M has allergic rhinitis... or.. allergies. Both of her ears are good to go, but she is to take Zyrtec in the morning if needed, Benadryl at night, and we have to saline flush her nose at night. THAT is going to be fun. Oy. I also have a nasal spray for her if she needs it. We need to get her a warm-air humidifier for her room too. Not sure how we are gonna do that though. *sigh*

Since moving here, T has slept upstairs in the bedroom, and I sleep on the couch. He has severe sleep apnea, and while he uses a CPAP machine, it is not working very well for him at the moment. He needs a sleep study and we have to go to Pittsburg for that, over night. Again, no money to get a hotel and stuffs. So.. not sure when that is gonna happen. Also, the bed up there is a full size bed. Not nearly enough room, as he also has restless legs. He keeps me awake so I just sleep on the couch. Well, THAT has been KILLING me. I do not sleep soundly, I cannot get comfy etc.

So last night I dug out the air mattress and set it up in M's room. I was going to sleep on it in there but she decided she wanted to 'camp in'! We put her little tent thingy on it and she had a ball in there with her books and her flashlight! And momma got to sleep in a bed. All.night.long.

Seven hours of uninterrupted, glorious sleep. I feel like a new person! WOO! M slept all night too, for the first time in weeks. She did not wake up coughing. She slept soundly and is a ball of boundless energy this morning!

I left the kitchen a mess last night, which I never do.. because I was too excited to crawl into bed! So this morning, I came down and made coffee and cleaned up the kitchen. Then I sat outside with the Pea and watched/listened to the birds. It was about as perfect a morning as it gets. My momma being here could have made it truly perfect though. :)


How was your morning??

So, I am not so good at keeping up with the old blog. Sorry.

I had recently scanned a bunch of photos. And then T's step-mom sent us a TON of his baby pictures. Oy. Good LORD he was cute. *sigh* I am not gonna lie. I want another baby. Now, before everyone starts falling off of their chairs, I am not going to actually DO that. Just sayin'. I always wanted M to have a sibling and it just kinda stinks that things have gone the way that they have.

Anyway, I came across this one photo of T and OMG.. haha.. See for yourself...


That is T and his paternal grammy, and the pea and I on Christmas morning of 2006. They are roughly the same age in these photos. And people say she looks like me? NOT. LOL

Then, I came across this next photo. It is an old Polaroid. It has faded and changed to wonky colors and I did my best to fix it in Photochop.. however, my photo editing skillz are limited. What I wanted to convey with this photo, is the look on my dad's face. I saw this pic and CRACKED up, because I could just envision the scene.


My dad is out there trying to cut up fire wood, and my moms yelling at him to look at her. He in turn looks at her like "Dammit woman! WHAT do you want?? Can you not see I am trying to cut some damned wood??" Hahaa. It just made me smile.. and made me miss him even more than I already do. *sigh*
Also? If you look closely, the ever-present smoke is dangling out of his mouth, and he needs a hair cut. He looks a bit like a koala in this photo. LOL!

M is still sick. She has a cough that just will NOT quit. I have not slept through the night in about 3 weeks and it is wearing on me. I get an hour here, two hours there. UGH. NOT good for what I need to be getting done. I am going to sleep in her room for the next few nights, with medicine at the ready, tissues and a drink, and hope that I can get her what she needs without going into the kitchen and needing to put on a light and schlepping up and down the stairs 3 or 4 times. Because once I go through all of that, I am awake.

We are going to the Docs today. Hoping to get some answers...

I have spent some time recently going through old photos. I came to the realization that I am missing a HUGE box of photos and mementos from about the time I was 11, til I was about 15 or 16. I am crushed. I believe the box was left behind at our old house, and I am pretty sure that the place has been emptied out by now. Not that I could do anything about it either way, now that the mortgage company has secured the house. *sigh*

Ah well. Anyway, I was scanning in some photos when I came across this one:





LOL. One day Joyce and I were at the beach. This guy walked up, and I swear to GOD he stood there, just like that, not moving a muscle, for what seemed like FOREVER. He had J and I cracking up. He looked like a statue. He literally stayed like that for a good hour. So J snapped this pic of him. We bring him up often in conversations because it was just too funny. I guess yah had to be there, so trust me, it was funny. :P

I miss my life in Florida. I miss Joyce and Peggy and 'my people' ... I miss Lin and going to the gym. I miss my MOM. But, I am finally settling into a good routine here and hoping that spring brings renewed energies and new opportunities for all of us..

Until next time....

Meh. I have tried to write up a post about 3 times and it just turns out to be a whine-fest. Truth is? I have become a jealous, bitter person. I see the happiness around me and I am pissed off that I no longer have that. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of fighting for it. He will never be happy. WE will never be happy. Thinking it is time to move on, yet when I put it out there and tell him that, he looks broken. I HATE that. Because I DO love him very much. Just tired of feeling like the only reason he is here is because he has nowhere else.

Happy Effing Valentine's Day to me. This used to be such a nice, special day. Pffft

See? STILL turned out to be a whiny post. Sorry 'bout that.

Years ago when I lived here as a kid, there was a row of blackberry and raspberry bushes along the cemetery, on the backside of a neighbors fence. They had the biggest, tastiest berries EVER. My friend L and I used to pick them and take them home. My mom would make jams, pies, muffins, etc. We would eat and eat and eat them, until we were ready to bust.

So, just now, on a Facebook page for our little town, a few of us were messaging back and forth about stealing fruits and veggies outta gardens when we were kids, and my friend D says "just do not plant anything in the cemetery!" An aside? We are all going to get together this spring to try to give the cemetery some love, as it is in major disrepair. Okay, so back to D's comment. All of a sudden it hit me..

The bushes! Were they so big and do so well because of the, uhm... well-fertilized ground there??
Oh man. I cannot tell you how grossed out I am right now!! Eep.

Funny though, no matter how gross. We never ever thought along those lines as kids. If you could have seen my face just then, when the thought crossed my mind! I am quite sure it was priceless...

There is someone from Fernandina Beach, FL that keeps hitting my Year In Review post, that really large post with all of the photos. That is, um, kind of unnerving. Just sayin'.

The other day, for whatever reason, I looked to see if the cr@ck whore was on Facebook. She is. UGH. I do not know why I do that to myself. I do not know how that woman lives with herself. I, at times, do not know how I live with MY self.

I love WV. I love this house. My mom forked over a lot of money to get us here. Now, the house has to be sold and my mom wants to buy it for me. And I am not sure that I want her to do that. I do not know if it is just the winter blues, or the guilt I feel over needing her to support us til we got on our feet, or just the fact that I am really missing FL (and that has NOTHING to do with the snow...) and my friends. I miss my LIFE.

Also? *sigh* I am not sure T and I are going to work out. I fought so hard for him, and I felt lost without him. I DO love him very much. But that spark, that... oomph, that we had, is gone. He says it isn't. I say it is. I am not going to get into specifics.. but last night while trying to go to sleep, it hit me that this is not the kind of relationship I want.

He is doing good. The depression is kicking it pretty hard so he is back on the Cymbalta. Ugh. He sees the doc in March. He is not messing with his meds at all, thankfully. But he is also just sort of... there.

He sleeps til 9 or 10. He gets up and plops on the couch, often napping til he works at 3. Then after work he comes down, and plops on the couch and dozes off. He does do the dishes after dinner and he takes out the trash. But that is about it. He will do ANYTHING I ask of him, but I am tired of asking. I want him to participate in this life, and really? He isn't. And he feels that he is working and trying to bring in money so he is doing his part. He does spend time with M, often reading to her or playing games.

Do I just want too much? I want things to be like they were, before the drugs. And I just do not think that is going to ever be the case. And living here? My chance of finding a decent man who does not do drugs, or have 4,000 kids is NIL.

The single life is much more appealing in FL. So.. I need to get school done. I need to wait til spring and til his doctors appointment. I need to wait a bit to see if things change. If not?

Well.. I just don't know. There is no money to get me back home, and once there, I have nowhere to live. I wont make enough to support M and I. I mean, in a few years I will work up to that. But FL is expensive.

Either way, I am getting WAY ahead of myself here. One day at a time, right? Right. Off to study...

I know that most of you who read here, follow me on Facebook. Which is why this place tends to get ignored. There is more interaction on Facebook. That is why blogging kind of irritates me. Yes, I blog for me. But knowing there are people reading... well.. COMMENT all ready. LOL All you have to do is use your gmail login. If you don't have one, you can sign up for one in about 3 seconds. It is free and you never have to use the email addy for anything but SHOWING ME LOVE. Hah.

Anyway, I went out the other day for a drive, and spent some time watching my river. :)
It really fascinates me. It was moving so fast, and there were these HUGE sheets of ice floating by...




They were crashing into the pylons, shaking the bridge. I was glad to get out and get some air. I sure do look forward to a clear, friendlier river this summer!! It was very windy and cold and so I watched for awhile, but when I could no longer feel my face and hands, I figured it was time to call it a day and head home.

One of the things that I love most about this old place, is the river. I often refer to it as 'my river'.. I think this annoys some people, and it certainly amuses others. Anyway, I LOVE to spend time in, on, and around the river. I find it relaxing to go and sit in a quiet little spot, listening to it rush by. I am afraid of it on days like today. It is angry today.

I am going to get out later to get some photos.

I am looking forward to the summer. There is a nice little place to camp right down the road, and it is along the river. This place is so beautiful in the summer. I am counting the days. The bleakness of winter has worn itself out with me. I still love to watch the snow fall, and love when everything is blanketed in white, but I think I have had enough. LOL.

Pics later....

All in all we ended up with about 10 inches or so, I would guess. This morning, we got another 3 or 4 inches. It is very beautiful. I do not mind it much, but I AM counting the days til spring. This place is so beautiful in the spring and summer. I cannot wait!

We have real grass here! I cannot wait to be able to run around in the yard with no shoes on!!
The grass in FL is prickly and hard and WEIRD. Won't miss that!!

Missing my brother today. He has chosen to remove himself from our lives and we do not really know why. It is a bummer.. today is his birthday. Happy Birthday Bro.. I miss you...

It snowed a little bit today. ;)

That would be M using her sled as a shovel. That child was determined to build a fort. I need to find one of those block igloo maker things so we can make a REAL fort the next time we get a good snow. *sigh* I love her. :)

Where do I begin? Ugh.

These are the stairs leading down to where we park. Or, leading from where we park up to the house. :P

In this photo, you can see the rock wall in major disarray, the gutter hanging off of the back of the house, the un-tilled garden mess to the left there. A few things that you cannot see, are the toppled-over grape arbor which causes me GREAT distress. I do NOT want to lose that thing. The stairs are crumbling and need massive repair. The windows need replacing...

The yard needs LOTS of work. I think we are just going to clear it all out, turn up the dirt, and leave it til fall, then I will plant some bulbs and leave it be. The house itself needs a good power wash. Too bad that whore sold our pressure washer. Grr.

I am not sure HOW the grape arbor is going to get fixed. It is not something that T and I can handle.. we have NO idea what we are doing. The garden just needs to be tilled and raked over, we can burn all of the crap in there. I guess I need to do some gardening research because I have no idea when to plant what. LOL.

Of course, we do not have a tiller, so that should be interesting.

The sheds down back need to go as well. One is about to fall down, the other is in ok condition, but will look odd as heck once the other one is torn down. (can you say BONFIRES?)

I am starting to feel overwhelmed. T says he will help with all of this stuff, but really? I do not see it happening. *sigh*

p.s. Notice that a few windows are open? LOL. It was 45 degrees that day. We were having a heat wave! :)

These are some of our neighbors. They are a quiet bunch. Thankfully, we do not ever see them. *grin*

This cemetery is very old, mostly Civil War era, although it is peppered with souls departed from later dates. What always struck me as odd about this place, is it's... haphazardness. There is no rhyme or reason to the plots and to the layout of the place.

I can see how it has sunken in spots over the years. The hill on one side is far more drastic now than it was when I was 8. And on the back end by the river, well, there are several missing graves from the flooding and the embankment giving way. I will have to go take some photos of the grave stones along the edge where I am pretty sure the occupants no longer rest in peace.

It was a creepy place to me as a child, not so much now. I often wonder about all of those people. Who were they? Where did they live? Were they happy? What did they look like? Although some of the graves have photos on them of the departed and THAT is creepy.. even though I often wonder these things.. More photos to come, when it is not buried under a foot of snow.

That is an icicle that is hanging off of the front porch roof. It goes all the way to the ground. I am starting to get concerned because it is causing the gutter a lot of stress. We tried to break it, whacking at it with random stuff before it got this big, and we could not make even the slightest dent in it. I am thinking of running a garden hose from the bathroom sink, out through the window to the roof, and just let the hot water flow. LOL. I am not sure what else to do. At this rate, it will still be there in June.

Notice that the Christmas lights are still up. That is only because they are encased in ice. Next year, they get hung underneath the overhang! It is making me crazy that we cannot get them down. Argh.

I had really wanted to study today, but that did not happen. That frustrates me. I have to run to Kingwood today. Don't wanna. Gotta clean the apt. downstairs too. Wonder how long its been since those walls were washed? LOL. Pea is much better today. Cough is minimal. No fevers.. She is driving me crazy and mad that there was no school today.

I am hoping that after I get her on the bus tomorrow, I can get downstairs and at least get the kitchen scrubbed down. Then, the next day I will do the bathroom, and so on. I will save the floors for last.

Wednesday, Sears is coming out to give us an estimate on installing heating and AC. We won't be able to do anything for awhile, but we at least need to know what in the heck we are looking at here. This place also needs an electrical overhaul, so I am looking into some electricians as well. And windows. Man, this place needs new windows.

Clearly, I need to hit the lotto. *sigh*

M woke me up at 4 a.m. this morning. She did not feel good. She had no fever, no cough, nada. I got her a drink and we snuggled on the couch. She fell back to sleep. I did for about 15 minutes, because then my neighbor was outside shoveling. He does this every time there is accumulation. He is well into his 80s, so it is impressive that he can get out there and do what he does. He has a HUGE driveway. He and his wife rarely go out. So WHY the need to shovel it at 4:30 a.m. is beyond me. What really sucks is when he breaks out the snowblower before 6 a.m.

He also has an awful cough. He often sounds like he is going to heave a lung right there in the driveway. It is hard to listen to. Ugh.

Anyway, M woke up again around 7:15 and asked for some juice. She still complained of not feeling good. She says nothing hurts and she has no fever, but now she has an icky cough. And I went up to snooze after T got up at 8, and I wake with full sinuses and a runny nose and watery eyes.

WHERE did this come from? We have been hermits for a week now!

Annnyway. It is snowing. Again. Heavily. And we have to head out because we are out of milk and butter and eggs and a few other things...

Until next time....

The snow has been unrelenting. It sure is pretty though. M went out to play today. The two things that she REALLY wanted to do? Sled and build a fort. Neither of which she was able to do. She plunked her sled down, and promptly sank into the deep snow. She tried and tried again, to no avail.

I told her that it was just too deep. So she decided to move on to fort building. That did not fare well either, as the snow was very light and powder-like. This made for a very unhappy Pea.
*sigh*

She got mad at me because I could not make the snow better for her to make a fort. Ugh. All I could do was bring her inside and give her cake and hot chocolate. Then we read some books, painted, played a game or two and made dinner. We were outside for about an hour and it tuckered her out.

I really wish that she would sleep in. But I am sure that she will be waking me up around 7 a.m., so it is off to dreamland for me!!

Ok, so I slacked for a few days. There is not much to photograph when you are stuck in the house.
It started snowing again yesterday afternoon. T and I were in the next town over. We got home in just enough time to get M off of the bus. I had some laundry to do so I kept sweeping my way down stairs. When I awoke this morning, I was sorta shocked at how much accumulation there was.

For the first time since yesterday, it has stopped snowing. I need to go out and shovel now.

Here is what I awoke to this morning, around 7 a.m.




And this, was taken just about 10 minutes ago out the kitchen window. It has gone from near white out conditions to just a few rogue flurries here and there.





People keep asking me if I am ready to go back to FL yet. I love it here. I always have. I spent my life in a climate just like this. I had only spent 12 years in FL. Sure, it is nice to not have to deal with the snow. But I have always loved it. When I was in FL and would see everyone complaining about the snow and the cold, I was always a bit jealous, as I really missed it!

Anyway, I have to go shovel....

Someone needs to teach this kid of mine what SLEEPING IN means. Seven a.m. and she was waking me up. Grrrr. The first two things she asked for was cake and to go outside and play in the snow, neither of which are going to happen until after lunch. LOL.

There is a LOT of snow out there. I am only shoveling to the apartment downstairs and that is IT. It is still coming down hard. Sometimes, I cannot see the top of the mountain! I am hoping my neighbor comes by on his 4 wheeler to plow the sidewalk like he did the other day. That saved me some work!

I can smell the cake. I hope that I can wait til after lunch! Hahaa!!
I have some pics on my camera, but I just do not feel like dealing with it right now. I think I am gonna go plop on the couch. I will wake T at 8:30 and then I think I am making waffles for breakfast. mmmm.
I have to get the pics off of the camera before we go outside. I do not have a memory card yet and it can only hold 10 photos without the card.

Awrighty then, to the couch I go!

Wherever you are Daddy, I love you, and I miss you terribly. Happy Birthday! M and I are making a cake this afternoon in your honor!

Two pictures today.

I needed to run to town today to get some things at Wally World. M was outside playing. I had been shoveling the back stairs (ugh) and the sun came out and there were big puffy clouds in the sky.
So, I shoveled. And it damned near killed me. So I said to T "let her play for a bit, I am running to the store."

I got into the car, and drove down the road and through our teensy little town. As I got the the road to head on out of town, I could not believe what I was seeing... I went from sunshine, to this in about 2.5 minutes..



UNREAL. You can barely see the mountain just across the river. It was coming down all heavy and crazy. I thought about turning around and heading home and then decided just to suck it up and go on. It was just a squall, and moved along rather quickly though, thankfully.

This second picture was taken yesterday as we played out in the snow. M had decided that she wanted to build a fort. So she marched on past us, went to the porch upstairs and came back down dragging the shovel behind her. T and I were laughing so hard. She was so determined to shovel some snow. We ended up being the shovelers, giving her a rather large mound of snow with which to forge her a fort. I LOVE her determination. She does not let ANYONE tell her that she cannot do something. :)