I had wanted to get the apartment cleaned for when mom gets here, so that we can paint and stuffs.
Of course, the hot water tank for down there took a crap the other day. The bottom is all rusted out and it was spewing water all over the basement. Thankfully, there is a drain right beside the tanks!

My mom called my cousin about getting a new one, but I have yet to hear anything. I need hot water to clean!! Ugh. My cousins hubby was also going to fix the concrete stairs outside, and now that is not happening either.

FRUSTRATED. The stairs are a huge hazard. They are crumbling and very dangerous. :(

I can see buds on a lot of the trees. And my river looks oh so inviting, even if it IS still very cold outside. I NEED to go camping. And soon. *sigh*

Well, I need to go clean. Yay. :P

It was 18 degrees outside when I took M out to get the bus this morning. This kinda sucks. LOL.
This is the hardest thing for me. I want my FL weather. I REALLY do.

I am struggling SO hard with whether or not I want to stay here. Part of me REALLY does love it here. Spring and summer have so much potential here. But then I think of winter and having to face it again. Ugh.

I love the snow. I love watching it fall. I love going for walks in it. I love how it makes everything so beautiful. But then, it gets melty and gray and it makes a huge mess. The bleakness of winter pokes through again and well.. *sigh*

The truth of the matter is this.. I cannot afford to live anywhere else. Even when I get a job, it will not be enough for us to survive in FL. This schooling was never meant to support this family, it was to supplement T's income. Now I am left trying to figure out how it is going to pay the bills.

And here, it WILL suffice. In FL, we would have to live in the ghetto. Seriously.

This is the real hard part for me. We had it all once. And now? Pfft. Can't pay the bills. It is a tough pill to swallow, but I am just trying my hardest to make the best of what we DO have, even it is not much. We have M.. who is amazing in every way. We have my mom, who, what can I say? AMAZING. In every way.

I can get out of bed each day. I can see and smell and taste and move and BE. And that is a lot more than what some people have.

When I get in these funks, I just try to remember that I COULD be living under a bridge somewhere. So, I AM thankful.

I just miss FL and the beach and the WARM WEATHER.

*sigh*

That is the day! We get mom at the airport on the 17th. I cannot wait.

We are not telling M. We want to surprise her! :)

I have a lot of work to do before then! Between school and cleaning up down stairs, Ima gonna be BUSY. Oy. :)

Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a memory will pop into my head. A memory from my old life. Today it was just a simple memory, yet it brought me to my knees.

I walked to the sink to do the few dishes that were soaking, and as I looked up and out the window, this memory of standing in front of my sink, looking out at T lighting the tiki torches around the pool flooded my brain.

The pets were in various places around the pool, watching T.
M was in her playroom. Her little hands were planted firmly on the glass of the slider, watching her daddy. We were getting ready for yet another night outside in the glorious FL weather. Steaks at the ready, grill heating up, bathing suits on...

It literally brought me to my knees. The pain I felt in that moment was very similar to the pain I have felt at the loss of a loved one. How freaking insane in THAT?? I mean, I am really trying to NOT be all dramatic here, but, it was a gut-wrenching feeling. I rarely look back on that time, as it is indeed far too painful. Sometimes though, I do not have a choice.

I am trying my hardest to focus on life here, and now. Yet, 'back then' WILL find its way forward into this new life, as that is WHO we are. Tiki torches, darts, fires, grilling out.. that is all WHO we are. And I look forward to bringing that into the here and now.

I am hoping that in due time, the memories of the past will not be so damned sharp.

I got an e-card from my mom the other day that simply stated:

"HAPPY RETIREMENT TO ME!! AS OF 4/15

WEST BYGOD HERE I COME

LOVE YA!!!!!"

It made me cry. Actually, I think sob is a better word for it. I miss my mom so much! I hope she can be happy here. She is about to become a true snowbird! She will spend winter in FL. Which means no having her here on Christmas. We may have to figure something out in regards to that, because I really want her around for Christmas. *sigh*

So, I have to hurry hurry with school and I have to deep clean the apartment, so that when she gets here, we can paint and get carpeting. The place needs new windows desperately.

Anyway, I cannot wait. She made my YEAR with that email. :)

Sometimes, I have a hard time letting go. I do not really hold grudges, per se, but sometimes I just cannot let go. As the saying goes, "I don't have issues, I have volumes!" So true.

For instance, I just came across the photos of a gal on Flickr that I used to know, and by know I mean that we used to read and comment on each other's blogs. I had posted about how complete my life was on a Valentine's Day many moons ago, and she commented on my blog all nasty-like. She said that she was tired of me blathering on about my happy, wonderful life and that she was ugly, unhappy, alone, and would never find someone to love her. I went to her blog to comment and ask, "WTF?" When I went over there, she had written a whole post about me and how she was so tired of my blathering about my perfect life, and how I was boring anyway and that she removed my link and was not going to bother with me anymore. Then her lemming commenters all trashed me. People who had NO idea who I was, or who had even ever read my blog!

Before I got pissed off at her nastiness, I felt really bad for her. In all honesty, she was not a very pretty girl. But I had really liked her. I liked her blog and what she had to say. I felt that we had a lot in common. She was in to photography and I thought she was very good. I was hurt by her words.

Then I just got mad. I mean, to be so pissy to another because you are jealous? That is some yuckiness right there. What a way to live, yah know?

Well, I just came across her on Flickr again, after YEARS of not even really thinking about her. She is now married, with a one-year-old son. It was nice to see her so happy. I mean, she looks really, REALLY happy. And it made me smile for her.

I am not mad anymore. :)

But before I came to that conclusion of not being mad any more, I had a moment where I wanted to email her and tell her that I was glad she found someone and is now a mom, and I hoped she was happy to have it all, because I lost what I had and I hoped that made her happy.

But then, really? Talk about petty!! Gosh. I hate when I think along those lines!
I cannot carry around baggage like this. It is not healthy. So, I took a deep breath and let it go.

Because while I may not have what I USED to have... I have my M. And T, even though we have ups and downs and good days and days where I simply want him gone, it is a HELL of a lot better than it was at this point last year and the year before.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Perspective is everything.

Loving that my girl likes being outside! On the way to the store yesterday, she was noticing all of the little water falls that pop up all over the place when we have heavy rain. So I decided to stop where I knew there was a bigger one so she could check it out. There are some old limestone caves there as well and she made a beeline for them! She thought they were the coolest things EVER. I always thought so too when I was a kid.










When I was able to drag her from the caves, we went to check out the waterfall. It had started to rain and the wind had picked up, so she wanted to go back into the caves! Haha. I was able to snap a quick pic and then it was back to the car! She was mad.. and she informed that I HAVE to take her back to the caves someday, with a flashlight so she can see the dark places. :)




I really cannot wait to take her camping and exploring! She is just going to love it when we can get out and actually do things with her! And we will have just as much fun!

I went to bed early last night, and had the most crazy, fantastic dream I think I have ever had. Of course, I remember very little of it now. I remember waking in the middle of the night thinking "Whoah! That was insane!! MUST remember that!!", before I drifted off back to sleep. Upon awaking, I remembered very little.

I DO remember that it consisted of me and T going to the ISS. Without a shuttle. LOL. We were in these pod-like things that got launched into space using a futuristic slingshot. It was WILD. It was FUN. When we got near the space station, the CANADARM reached out with these tentacle-like appendages and pulled us in.

Clearly, I watch too much NASA and too many sci-fi movies. Haha. I wish that I could remember more! I think we actually used the pod thing to go to the moon too, because I seem to vaguely remember scooting around the moon on a rover.

Yes. Imma dork. :O)

And my kid is showing a HUGE interest in space and the shuttle. She will sit and watch the NASA channel with me. So cool. She has these space flash cards that I had nabbed out the dollar bin at Target awhile back and she can tell you the difference between a comet, an asteroid and a meteor. She can name the planets.

She thinks it is funny that we live in the 'milky way', and she always asks if it tastes like the candy bar. A comedienne in the making?

I like it that M is interesting. She is quirky and silly and fun. I squished her much this morning, telling her what an awesome kid she is. She just smiled and said "I know mommy!"
Eep! I don't want to breed conceit. I just do not want her to ever have self-esteem issues like I have. I am almost 40 and I still have awful issues. I am working very hard to change that though.

Take this morning, for example. I slept great. I woke up to a gray, gloomy, rainy day. Usually that would get me down right away. But as I sit here and type, listening to the birds chirping happily outside, I REFUSE to let the weather get me down. Today WILL be a great day! I WILL get certain things accomplished! The first of which being coffee and a healthy breakfast!!

Be nice today for no reason. Do a little something unexpected for someone. SMILE.

:D

There are so many places around here that I simply cannot wait to take my family too. Blackwater Falls State Park is one of those places. It is pretty no matter the season.

Here it is in August:



And here it is in February:


We are nature lovers, so spending the day in the area hiking and stuff is right up our alley. I cannot wait!

Now if Mother Nature would quit playing games...
After several wonderful days in the 50s and 60s.. here it is this afternoon:


Yeah. She be funny, huh? Pfft. LOL

It IS pretty. And I love watching the snow fall. At this point though, I already have my shorts and Birks at the ready.. so.. let us get a move on with the spring thing already!!

So, after spending WAY too much time this morning in photochop, only to realize that I just simply no longer have the design mojo, I opted for this template. Cute, no? I was tired of the dark grayishness. We have enough of the gloom with the weather. :)

I slept with the window open last night. I was nice. This morning, it started snowing and it has yet to stop. I am not sure how much we are supposed to get. My weather thingy on my phone said little accumulation, and the Pittsburgh station said 3 to 4 inches. Oy. It IS pretty and I really don't mind it all that much. But when Mother Nature starts peppering your weeks with gorgeous, sunny, 60 degree days and then goes the way of the nut bin with this stuff again? Meh. Makes me a wee grouchy.

T seems to be a bit more himself today, so hoping we can Wii later and actually, maybe..have some FUN for once.

And with that, I am out. I need to go stand by the heater. My extremities are frozen.

M has allergic rhinitis... or.. allergies. Both of her ears are good to go, but she is to take Zyrtec in the morning if needed, Benadryl at night, and we have to saline flush her nose at night. THAT is going to be fun. Oy. I also have a nasal spray for her if she needs it. We need to get her a warm-air humidifier for her room too. Not sure how we are gonna do that though. *sigh*

Since moving here, T has slept upstairs in the bedroom, and I sleep on the couch. He has severe sleep apnea, and while he uses a CPAP machine, it is not working very well for him at the moment. He needs a sleep study and we have to go to Pittsburg for that, over night. Again, no money to get a hotel and stuffs. So.. not sure when that is gonna happen. Also, the bed up there is a full size bed. Not nearly enough room, as he also has restless legs. He keeps me awake so I just sleep on the couch. Well, THAT has been KILLING me. I do not sleep soundly, I cannot get comfy etc.

So last night I dug out the air mattress and set it up in M's room. I was going to sleep on it in there but she decided she wanted to 'camp in'! We put her little tent thingy on it and she had a ball in there with her books and her flashlight! And momma got to sleep in a bed. All.night.long.

Seven hours of uninterrupted, glorious sleep. I feel like a new person! WOO! M slept all night too, for the first time in weeks. She did not wake up coughing. She slept soundly and is a ball of boundless energy this morning!

I left the kitchen a mess last night, which I never do.. because I was too excited to crawl into bed! So this morning, I came down and made coffee and cleaned up the kitchen. Then I sat outside with the Pea and watched/listened to the birds. It was about as perfect a morning as it gets. My momma being here could have made it truly perfect though. :)


How was your morning??

So, I am not so good at keeping up with the old blog. Sorry.

I had recently scanned a bunch of photos. And then T's step-mom sent us a TON of his baby pictures. Oy. Good LORD he was cute. *sigh* I am not gonna lie. I want another baby. Now, before everyone starts falling off of their chairs, I am not going to actually DO that. Just sayin'. I always wanted M to have a sibling and it just kinda stinks that things have gone the way that they have.

Anyway, I came across this one photo of T and OMG.. haha.. See for yourself...


That is T and his paternal grammy, and the pea and I on Christmas morning of 2006. They are roughly the same age in these photos. And people say she looks like me? NOT. LOL

Then, I came across this next photo. It is an old Polaroid. It has faded and changed to wonky colors and I did my best to fix it in Photochop.. however, my photo editing skillz are limited. What I wanted to convey with this photo, is the look on my dad's face. I saw this pic and CRACKED up, because I could just envision the scene.


My dad is out there trying to cut up fire wood, and my moms yelling at him to look at her. He in turn looks at her like "Dammit woman! WHAT do you want?? Can you not see I am trying to cut some damned wood??" Hahaa. It just made me smile.. and made me miss him even more than I already do. *sigh*
Also? If you look closely, the ever-present smoke is dangling out of his mouth, and he needs a hair cut. He looks a bit like a koala in this photo. LOL!

M is still sick. She has a cough that just will NOT quit. I have not slept through the night in about 3 weeks and it is wearing on me. I get an hour here, two hours there. UGH. NOT good for what I need to be getting done. I am going to sleep in her room for the next few nights, with medicine at the ready, tissues and a drink, and hope that I can get her what she needs without going into the kitchen and needing to put on a light and schlepping up and down the stairs 3 or 4 times. Because once I go through all of that, I am awake.

We are going to the Docs today. Hoping to get some answers...