Hi. *waves*

This is probably going to be random and scattered, but, well, nothing new there, right? LOL

We picked up my mom last week at Pittsburgh Airport. M cried when she saw her. It was so sweet. My mom asked her why she was crying and M replied with, "Oh Grammy..these are tears of JOY.." Haha.
My kid is SO dramatic.

It has been so nice having mom around. I missed her. And I did not even realize HOW MUCH until she was actually here.

The weather has been wondermous. Cool evenings, warm days, foggy mornings perfect for sitting out on the porch with a steaming cuppa joe. I love sleeping with the windows open. I listen to the river as I drift off most nights. The birds start around 4:30 though, f**kers. So, I am usually awake at that time.

I need a hair cut in the worst way.

I also need to get back to exercising. Most of my time these days is spent getting school done. That is a very sore subject for me. It has taken me so long, for so many different reasons. And when I think about how in the time it has taken me, I actually could have attained a real college degree..well... it makes me grouchy so we will just move on mmkay?

Depression is a real bitch. I do not believe that I suffer from clinical depression. My depression is situational. After what I have been through, I think it is NORMAL to be depressed.
I had to go through an actual grieving process in regards to the loss of ... well, my life as I knew it. Even though we were going to lose our house, it was going to be on OUR terms.. yah know? Did not work out that way though, as most of you know.

Annnyway.. I have started to move on out of a pretty icky bout of the D word. I had to dig deep and quit feeling sorry for myself. It is what it is. Shit happens. I still have my moments. I have finally realized that it is OKAY to look back once in awhile. I just cannot LIVE there. Because when I do, I am missing out on NOW. And NOW is pretty awesome. Sorta. I cannot go into the sorta part here.. but if you remove the sorta, I am dandy.

Confused? LOL

There is an awful lot that I love about this place. One of them is this time of the year, when the mornings are cool and damp. The air has a wonderful fresh quality to it. I wish that I could bottle up for later use. The birds are chirping and the sun is fighting it's way through the fog. Bands of fog rise up off of the river, clinging to the mountain as it slowly makes it's climb. I love to sit and watch..

I love the birds and flowers. Hate the bees and the excessive rains. Always have to remind myself that April showers bring May flowers! LOL

And with that, I am off to make a grocery list. Be jealous. *wink*

Lots of changes on the horizon. Some good, some bad. I have a LOT on my mind, yet cannot really put it all out there yet. If you know what I am talking about, then.. sshhh. LOL.

I am thinking I need a private blog. This one is listed on facebook and even though no one really reads it, there are certain people there that I just do not want in my bidness. Going to be removing a lot of 'friends' on FB here really soon.

I have enough drama in my life. I simply do not need more. *sigh*

I will TRY to get together a decent blog post here soon.

My desire to blog, that is. Meh. I just have too much to say. I do not know where to start. I will try though, and hopefully it doesn't turn out to be a rambling MESS.

As you know, I struggle with keeping my chin up. I try SO hard. I know that I have so much to be thankful for.

Like:

My Mom.
My M.
My T.
The fact that my family agreed to us coming here instead of selling this place.
I can get out of bed each day. I can see, smell, hear, taste, and feel, both literally and with my head and my heart. I definitely battle some depression, but I believe that it is situational and not clinical. I definitely have some anxiety, but nothing that cannot be handled by some quiet, alone time. I have all of my parts and they all work, even if a few creak and hurt a bit with movement. LOL.

My friends. I have some WONDERFUL friends.

I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I even have a few niceties like hot, running water, a working terlet, washing machine and dryer, a bed, heat, tv, and basic satellite tv. Oh and my phone.

So see? I really do not have it bad.

So when I have a couple of bad days, it really brings me down. I have started to remind myself of the little things. When I go outside, I breathe deep. The air here smells wonderful. I stop and watch the birds. I take time to appreciate the flowers popping up everywhere. I watch my kid in awe.. and I love on her every chance that I get. I run through the sprinkler with her. I color with her. I cannot wait to camp with her and to float down river with her. I watch her with her daddy and my heart wants to go 'BOOM'. She loves him. And he loves her. And in those moments my world is a-okay.

I need to get out with my camera. Hopefully, one day soon, it will STOP RAINING long enough for me to do that...

Years ago, in middle school, there was this gal that I thought was my friend. Her name is Suzanne. She invited a bunch of us over for a sleep-over. I think there were 5 or 6 of us girls there, and it started off fun enough.

Keep in mind that most of these girls were very confident. I was not. I was picked on for being fat (which i was not!) and I was picked on for being a tomboy (which I was, and I have no shame for that.) and I thought these girls were my FRIENDS.

Suzanne had a brother named Mikey. He was a cutie. They thought it would be funny to try to get me to believe that Mikey liked me. I did not believe it. Towards the end of the night, after HOURS of them goading me, I started to think that MAYBE it could be true.

Just before we all went to sleep, Suzanne started laughing at me. She then said "We were KIDDING! You do not honestly believe that my brother would actually like YOU, do you?" The rest of the girls erupted into fits of laughter, and I was left feeling like a useless piece of shit. I cried myself to sleep that night.

The morning was torture. I felt like such a fool. Where as the night before (before the trickery) I had felt like I belonged, now I felt like a total outcast. My mom could not get there fast enough to get me.

I ended up with a raging hatred for Suzanne. It just festered and festered. I cannot say that I held much of anything other than disdain for the other girls as well.

I just found her on Facebook. She was in the friends list of a mutual friend. As soon as I saw her face, I knew it was her. She really looks like her brother these days. I could see his face. This led me to asking said friend about Mikey. Not sure why I cared, but I did ask. I did not get the typical answer that I expected. As in, "Oh.. he is married and living in [place], has a few kids, etc..."

No. What I got told was that there was a horrible accident, and hes dead.

And I hate this about me, but, well, I did not feel bad about it.

I did not rejoice or anything. I did not take pleasure in this fact, but I did not go "OH my gosh! Really?", like I would have done with any one else. And I thought about Suzanne and what a nasty person she was, at least to me. And I thought of her suffering the loss of her brother.

And I did not feel bad.

Now. Usually, I am quite empathetic. I really am. If you know me, you KNOW this about me. However, I had no empathy for her. None.

Ugh. This is one of the things that I really want to change about myself over the next year. I have a LOT of things I want to change. But, well, one thing at a time.
Just getting this out there makes me feel better.

We cannot change what we do not acknowledge, right?