I am itching to go camping. So, I think that on Thursday evening, I am going to dig out the tent, and set it up in the yard to let it air out. Then, Friday night we can take the Pea and camp out in the yard and have a fire and stuff. Then.. the following weekend, I wanna camp for real, at a campground. There is one near here, but no one seems to know much about it. I am hoping I can scoot over there to check it out. That will be my birthday weekend. Meh.

My Pop died on my birthday in 1997. He died right here in what is now the Pea's playroom. I had been here the week before, spending time with him and the family. I left just three days before he passed. It was awful. I had just started a new job and I could not come back for his funeral.

This is the first time I will be here on that day. I am conflicted about this. I mean, I know he wouldn't want me being all mopey and upset... but I am not sure that I can wake up in this house that morning and NOT be a mess.

So, I think it is time to go camping.

Or maybe I should just put on my big girl undies and face it?

*sigh*

I know that I will definitely head up to the cemetery that day. I can talk to him and have a good cry and try to get on with the day, I guess.

I really want to go camping, and I wanna do it before it gets too hot... so my birthday weekend is as good a time as any, right? I mean, no one here gives a shit that it is my birthday. Just to spend some time with Mom, Pea and T (and JEN if she comes lol) will be all that I need.

:)

Yesterday was icky. I slept awful the night before, and after getting M on the bus yesterday I immediately crawled back into bed. T dragged me out of bed around 11:30. I ate, went to study, gave in around 3 as I could no longer concentrate, and spent some time with the pea playing games. Momma made dinner. I ate, watched Days and a recorded Law & Order LA and went to bed. I was asleep before 9:30. I woke up this morning at 5:30 feeling MUCH better. I wanted to get in a full day of studying, but must run some errands. We are out of a ton of things, the most important of which being toilet paper. :)

Today is also my Nanny's birthday. I am going to clip some of her blooming Irises, and take them up to the cemetery. My Aunt is also up there, and I have not been up since she passed. Then there is my Pop, and my Uncle Dutch.. and Hug, an ex-boyfriend of my cousin, who died back in 1982. Miss them all.

So, an emotional day on deck. Then, tonight, if it ever stops raining, M has a tball game.

It really needs to slow down with the rain! Today is the first morning I have seen the sun in DAYS. The river is up, and angry. We are under a flood watch. We JUST mowed the grass a few days ago, and by the weekend it is going to be all crazy again. I mowed the hilly part, and DAMN. My upper body hurt so bad the next day. I had to push the mower UP the hill, instead of mowing from the top because the grass was wet and I did not want to fall on my ass!

Hmm. What else can I add to my randomness? Meh.. I will leave it at that for now. :)

Nikki Sixx posted this on Facebook today...


Four Agreements that I try to live by:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
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I cannot even begin to tell you how awesome I think this man is. I am going to print this out, laminate it, and keep it in my pocket at all times. I am going to read the hell out of it, until I have it memorized. These are things that I would like to live by as well, especially #2...

We had a few REAL nice days lately. It was GREAT to get outside. Then I got sick with strep. Awesome. Ugh. T ended up mowing the yard by himself and a few days later I raked up the mess. It felt so good to get moving and spend some time outside! It was SO nice out.








T and I had a great day out exploring in the 'burg one day last week. My cousin J let us use his 4-wheeler and we had a blast. Cannot wait to do that again!






We signed up M for t-ball. She had her first game on Saturday and she did WAY better than I thought she would. The night before the game she was all dramatic and overtired and she said she was quitting and she would NEVER play t-ball ever ever EVER. *eye roll*

She can hit better than most of the kids there. Her fielding is non-existent lol, so we shall work on that part. But she loves hitting the ball and running the bases. We went and got her a mitt and a few balls and a bat. I cannot wait to get out there with her today to practice!














I was all PMS-y the other day and when she announced that the gift she made at school for Mother's Day for mommy was going to grammy instead, it really hurt me. She still insisted that it go to grammy this morning, and all I could do was just shut up about it. It was her decision and I did not want my mom to feel any worse than she already did.. still stung a bit though.

I did a bit of cleaning today. I had to get some laundry done so I do not have to mess with it this week, as I will be busy with school all week, and M has t-ball practice on Monday and Thursday and games on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Hoping J will let us use the 4-wheeler again this week so we can get out for another ride. I wanna get over on the other side of the river!

We are also going to build our fire pit this week. Gonna be a busy week!
Today we are going to grill some steaks and corn, and I am about to go make some yummy pasta salad. Hoping to have a wonderful, fun afternoon with my little family.

Hope you all have had a great weekend! If you follow me on Facebook, you have seen the pics. Sorry..

Until next time..

I will never forget his face. One day back in 2001, T and I were out doing yard work. We were renting a small house in an okay hood near Busch Gardens. If the wind was blowing in the right direction, you could hear the screams of the people on the coasters.

It was a small little house. I had blogged pictures way back when of the ugly blue tiled kitchen, that our landlord graciously agreed to upgrade for us, if we ripped out the old ugliness. Which we gladly did! Anyway, we were out doing yard work. T had gone in to get us something cold to drink and I was mowing. This guy pulls up in an old Blazer and asks me about trimming some trees that were weighing on our power lines. He gave me a business card, from a tree trimming service, with his name on it. Something about this guy was off.

I struggle with being judgmental. Too often we judge people on how they look. This guy, in all honesty, screamed 'crackhead' to me. And I instantly felt guilty. The more I looked at him, and listened to him, the more I felt like he was a cockroach. Again, I felt guilty.

He told me that he and his crew were in the area trying to drum up some business, some regular customers. He said he would be back later to trim the trees, and he would haul it all off for $100. He had a lot to cut, so, sounded good to me. He also saw all of the old kitchen debris that was in the back yard. He asked about it, and told me that he would also haul all of that off, for an additional $100. It was a LOT of stuff. I told him that I needed to check with my landlord about the tree trimming, because that is something she should pay for.. it was HER house, after all. So T called her and she agreed.

He came back much later in the evening, with another guy. Right then T and I were like "Ut oh..." There was no mistake about it now. They were crackheads. High as kites, they both were.
Tony was kind of agitated, and so we let them cut the shit down. He dragged out all of the crap from the back yard, and bundled it all up nicely. He drug it to his truck and using the tree trimmings, made sort of a nest-like thing to hold all of the kitchen stuff. He told T that his buddy was right on the next street with the truck and he was going to drag in over there to toss it all in. T gave him $200 and came in the house.

Then, Tony drove around the front of our house, and his friend jumped out of the truck, pulled everything out and off the truck and dumped it in the street and took off.

We were not really surprised at that point. I called the number on the card he had given me and asked if Tony worked there. The man I spoke with replied with a heavy sigh, "No. I fired him about 3 months ago. He has... problems." I said, "So, he is smoking the $200 we just gave him, huh?" And the man replied, "Yes.. most likely...I am very sorry."

And then we had to pay another dude $100 to come and haul the shit away. That guy seemed legit and we hired him to start mowing and weed-whacking the yard. We were heavy into mountain biking at the time and that freed up a good amount of time for us to do just that.

All was well for a few months, til he showed up at our house one night around 11 p.m. wanting to know if we would pay him the $30 we usually paid him, early, so he could get his sick kid medicine. I thought "Yeah. Sure.. right." He looked strung out and desperate. I have him the $30 to get him to go away and asked that he not do this again.

He did show up to do the lawn a few days later, when he was supposed to. But he was drunk. At 11 a.m. on Sunday morning. At that point, we told him that we would no longer need his services.

THEN.. when T went off the rails and was using and hanging out with slime.. he got on a crew trimming trees and stuff. That was one of the first things I asked him, "Please tell me you did not go around ripping people off like Tony Chillura..??" He swears up and down that they never ripped anyone off. I have to assume they did not, because they actually had repeat customers.. but still.

To know that my hubby was... was like this guy, makes me queasy.
I am so thankful that T decided to get it together. And while there have been slip-ups, thankfully they were not with crack.

I really didn't want to blog about that stuff anymore, but it creeps in from time to time and sometimes I just need to get it out. It is REALLY hard for me to look back on the last 3 years of our lives. It is hard to admit that my hubby was a crackhead. And a pillhead. He was the most amazing man I had ever met (besides my daddy, of course), and I just cannot really wrap my head around what he became. It is all so surreal. He is working hard to be that man again, and hes making strides and that is all that I can ask for.

I try to just keep looking forward, hoping and praying. If he makes that choice again, he is doing it solo, because I do not have it in me to go through all of that again.

Bah. I need to find my happy place, because now I am all angry and stressed. *deep breath*

I have looked forward to this moment for a very long time. The day when my kid comes through the door from school, with a hand-crafted gift for me, for Mother's Day.

Today, my kid walked in the door, and told me that the gift she made was not for me. It was for Grammy. She said that it was a gift for someone special and that she did not want to give it to me.

My heart.just.BROKE.

I love my mom. And she is AWESOME with M and I love the bond that they have. But god DAMN if that did not make me feel like dying. That kid is my HEART. I know that she is barely 5, and does not understand the severity of her words... but still. She knows enough.. she knows that it was made for someone special, and that person is not her mommy. Ugh.

I feel like nothing. That truly hurt me.. in a way that I cannot describe. I am hoping that it is just due to severe PMS and in a day or so I will get over it. But right now? I cannot stop sobbing.

Ugh.