hmm.. major brain dump ahead.

There is someone from Fernandina Beach, FL that keeps hitting my Year In Review post, that really large post with all of the photos. That is, um, kind of unnerving. Just sayin'.

The other day, for whatever reason, I looked to see if the cr@ck whore was on Facebook. She is. UGH. I do not know why I do that to myself. I do not know how that woman lives with herself. I, at times, do not know how I live with MY self.

I love WV. I love this house. My mom forked over a lot of money to get us here. Now, the house has to be sold and my mom wants to buy it for me. And I am not sure that I want her to do that. I do not know if it is just the winter blues, or the guilt I feel over needing her to support us til we got on our feet, or just the fact that I am really missing FL (and that has NOTHING to do with the snow...) and my friends. I miss my LIFE.

Also? *sigh* I am not sure T and I are going to work out. I fought so hard for him, and I felt lost without him. I DO love him very much. But that spark, that... oomph, that we had, is gone. He says it isn't. I say it is. I am not going to get into specifics.. but last night while trying to go to sleep, it hit me that this is not the kind of relationship I want.

He is doing good. The depression is kicking it pretty hard so he is back on the Cymbalta. Ugh. He sees the doc in March. He is not messing with his meds at all, thankfully. But he is also just sort of... there.

He sleeps til 9 or 10. He gets up and plops on the couch, often napping til he works at 3. Then after work he comes down, and plops on the couch and dozes off. He does do the dishes after dinner and he takes out the trash. But that is about it. He will do ANYTHING I ask of him, but I am tired of asking. I want him to participate in this life, and really? He isn't. And he feels that he is working and trying to bring in money so he is doing his part. He does spend time with M, often reading to her or playing games.

Do I just want too much? I want things to be like they were, before the drugs. And I just do not think that is going to ever be the case. And living here? My chance of finding a decent man who does not do drugs, or have 4,000 kids is NIL.

The single life is much more appealing in FL. So.. I need to get school done. I need to wait til spring and til his doctors appointment. I need to wait a bit to see if things change. If not?

Well.. I just don't know. There is no money to get me back home, and once there, I have nowhere to live. I wont make enough to support M and I. I mean, in a few years I will work up to that. But FL is expensive.

Either way, I am getting WAY ahead of myself here. One day at a time, right? Right. Off to study...