It has been one of those days. I mean, it has not been dreadful or anything. I just had the day planned out a certain way in my head, and it went NOTHING like that. LOL.

We still managed to get a TON done. It has not been too terribly hot today. All of the bedrooms and clothes have been packed up. We have one more closet to do, the kitchen, and then to gather all of the crap that accumulated in the apartment downstairs and the root cellar, PLUS all of M's things out in the yard. Aaaaalmost done.

We found out today that closing may not be Thursday, but either Friday or Saturday. NOT good. ARGH.

But, there is nothing that I can do about it, so gotta let it roll!

Off to have dinner.. another picture post coming hopefully later tonight!

I went to bed early last night, and had the most crazy, fantastic dream I think I have ever had. Of course, I remember very little of it now. I remember waking in the middle of the night thinking "Whoah! That was insane!! MUST remember that!!", before I drifted off back to sleep. Upon awaking, I remembered very little.

I DO remember that it consisted of me and T going to the ISS. Without a shuttle. LOL. We were in these pod-like things that got launched into space using a futuristic slingshot. It was WILD. It was FUN. When we got near the space station, the CANADARM reached out with these tentacle-like appendages and pulled us in.

Clearly, I watch too much NASA and too many sci-fi movies. Haha. I wish that I could remember more! I think we actually used the pod thing to go to the moon too, because I seem to vaguely remember scooting around the moon on a rover.

Yes. Imma dork. :O)

And my kid is showing a HUGE interest in space and the shuttle. She will sit and watch the NASA channel with me. So cool. She has these space flash cards that I had nabbed out the dollar bin at Target awhile back and she can tell you the difference between a comet, an asteroid and a meteor. She can name the planets.

She thinks it is funny that we live in the 'milky way', and she always asks if it tastes like the candy bar. A comedienne in the making?

I like it that M is interesting. She is quirky and silly and fun. I squished her much this morning, telling her what an awesome kid she is. She just smiled and said "I know mommy!"
Eep! I don't want to breed conceit. I just do not want her to ever have self-esteem issues like I have. I am almost 40 and I still have awful issues. I am working very hard to change that though.

Take this morning, for example. I slept great. I woke up to a gray, gloomy, rainy day. Usually that would get me down right away. But as I sit here and type, listening to the birds chirping happily outside, I REFUSE to let the weather get me down. Today WILL be a great day! I WILL get certain things accomplished! The first of which being coffee and a healthy breakfast!!

Be nice today for no reason. Do a little something unexpected for someone. SMILE.

:D

So, after spending WAY too much time this morning in photochop, only to realize that I just simply no longer have the design mojo, I opted for this template. Cute, no? I was tired of the dark grayishness. We have enough of the gloom with the weather. :)

I slept with the window open last night. I was nice. This morning, it started snowing and it has yet to stop. I am not sure how much we are supposed to get. My weather thingy on my phone said little accumulation, and the Pittsburgh station said 3 to 4 inches. Oy. It IS pretty and I really don't mind it all that much. But when Mother Nature starts peppering your weeks with gorgeous, sunny, 60 degree days and then goes the way of the nut bin with this stuff again? Meh. Makes me a wee grouchy.

T seems to be a bit more himself today, so hoping we can Wii later and actually, maybe..have some FUN for once.

And with that, I am out. I need to go stand by the heater. My extremities are frozen.

I have spent some time recently going through old photos. I came to the realization that I am missing a HUGE box of photos and mementos from about the time I was 11, til I was about 15 or 16. I am crushed. I believe the box was left behind at our old house, and I am pretty sure that the place has been emptied out by now. Not that I could do anything about it either way, now that the mortgage company has secured the house. *sigh*

Ah well. Anyway, I was scanning in some photos when I came across this one:





LOL. One day Joyce and I were at the beach. This guy walked up, and I swear to GOD he stood there, just like that, not moving a muscle, for what seemed like FOREVER. He had J and I cracking up. He looked like a statue. He literally stayed like that for a good hour. So J snapped this pic of him. We bring him up often in conversations because it was just too funny. I guess yah had to be there, so trust me, it was funny. :P

I miss my life in Florida. I miss Joyce and Peggy and 'my people' ... I miss Lin and going to the gym. I miss my MOM. But, I am finally settling into a good routine here and hoping that spring brings renewed energies and new opportunities for all of us..

Until next time....

Meh. I have tried to write up a post about 3 times and it just turns out to be a whine-fest. Truth is? I have become a jealous, bitter person. I see the happiness around me and I am pissed off that I no longer have that. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of fighting for it. He will never be happy. WE will never be happy. Thinking it is time to move on, yet when I put it out there and tell him that, he looks broken. I HATE that. Because I DO love him very much. Just tired of feeling like the only reason he is here is because he has nowhere else.

Happy Effing Valentine's Day to me. This used to be such a nice, special day. Pffft

See? STILL turned out to be a whiny post. Sorry 'bout that.

There is someone from Fernandina Beach, FL that keeps hitting my Year In Review post, that really large post with all of the photos. That is, um, kind of unnerving. Just sayin'.

The other day, for whatever reason, I looked to see if the cr@ck whore was on Facebook. She is. UGH. I do not know why I do that to myself. I do not know how that woman lives with herself. I, at times, do not know how I live with MY self.

I love WV. I love this house. My mom forked over a lot of money to get us here. Now, the house has to be sold and my mom wants to buy it for me. And I am not sure that I want her to do that. I do not know if it is just the winter blues, or the guilt I feel over needing her to support us til we got on our feet, or just the fact that I am really missing FL (and that has NOTHING to do with the snow...) and my friends. I miss my LIFE.

Also? *sigh* I am not sure T and I are going to work out. I fought so hard for him, and I felt lost without him. I DO love him very much. But that spark, that... oomph, that we had, is gone. He says it isn't. I say it is. I am not going to get into specifics.. but last night while trying to go to sleep, it hit me that this is not the kind of relationship I want.

He is doing good. The depression is kicking it pretty hard so he is back on the Cymbalta. Ugh. He sees the doc in March. He is not messing with his meds at all, thankfully. But he is also just sort of... there.

He sleeps til 9 or 10. He gets up and plops on the couch, often napping til he works at 3. Then after work he comes down, and plops on the couch and dozes off. He does do the dishes after dinner and he takes out the trash. But that is about it. He will do ANYTHING I ask of him, but I am tired of asking. I want him to participate in this life, and really? He isn't. And he feels that he is working and trying to bring in money so he is doing his part. He does spend time with M, often reading to her or playing games.

Do I just want too much? I want things to be like they were, before the drugs. And I just do not think that is going to ever be the case. And living here? My chance of finding a decent man who does not do drugs, or have 4,000 kids is NIL.

The single life is much more appealing in FL. So.. I need to get school done. I need to wait til spring and til his doctors appointment. I need to wait a bit to see if things change. If not?

Well.. I just don't know. There is no money to get me back home, and once there, I have nowhere to live. I wont make enough to support M and I. I mean, in a few years I will work up to that. But FL is expensive.

Either way, I am getting WAY ahead of myself here. One day at a time, right? Right. Off to study...

One of the things that I love most about this old place, is the river. I often refer to it as 'my river'.. I think this annoys some people, and it certainly amuses others. Anyway, I LOVE to spend time in, on, and around the river. I find it relaxing to go and sit in a quiet little spot, listening to it rush by. I am afraid of it on days like today. It is angry today.

I am going to get out later to get some photos.

I am looking forward to the summer. There is a nice little place to camp right down the road, and it is along the river. This place is so beautiful in the summer. I am counting the days. The bleakness of winter has worn itself out with me. I still love to watch the snow fall, and love when everything is blanketed in white, but I think I have had enough. LOL.

Pics later....

All in all we ended up with about 10 inches or so, I would guess. This morning, we got another 3 or 4 inches. It is very beautiful. I do not mind it much, but I AM counting the days til spring. This place is so beautiful in the spring and summer. I cannot wait!

We have real grass here! I cannot wait to be able to run around in the yard with no shoes on!!
The grass in FL is prickly and hard and WEIRD. Won't miss that!!

Missing my brother today. He has chosen to remove himself from our lives and we do not really know why. It is a bummer.. today is his birthday. Happy Birthday Bro.. I miss you...

Where do I begin? Ugh.

These are the stairs leading down to where we park. Or, leading from where we park up to the house. :P

In this photo, you can see the rock wall in major disarray, the gutter hanging off of the back of the house, the un-tilled garden mess to the left there. A few things that you cannot see, are the toppled-over grape arbor which causes me GREAT distress. I do NOT want to lose that thing. The stairs are crumbling and need massive repair. The windows need replacing...

The yard needs LOTS of work. I think we are just going to clear it all out, turn up the dirt, and leave it til fall, then I will plant some bulbs and leave it be. The house itself needs a good power wash. Too bad that whore sold our pressure washer. Grr.

I am not sure HOW the grape arbor is going to get fixed. It is not something that T and I can handle.. we have NO idea what we are doing. The garden just needs to be tilled and raked over, we can burn all of the crap in there. I guess I need to do some gardening research because I have no idea when to plant what. LOL.

Of course, we do not have a tiller, so that should be interesting.

The sheds down back need to go as well. One is about to fall down, the other is in ok condition, but will look odd as heck once the other one is torn down. (can you say BONFIRES?)

I am starting to feel overwhelmed. T says he will help with all of this stuff, but really? I do not see it happening. *sigh*

p.s. Notice that a few windows are open? LOL. It was 45 degrees that day. We were having a heat wave! :)

These are some of our neighbors. They are a quiet bunch. Thankfully, we do not ever see them. *grin*

This cemetery is very old, mostly Civil War era, although it is peppered with souls departed from later dates. What always struck me as odd about this place, is it's... haphazardness. There is no rhyme or reason to the plots and to the layout of the place.

I can see how it has sunken in spots over the years. The hill on one side is far more drastic now than it was when I was 8. And on the back end by the river, well, there are several missing graves from the flooding and the embankment giving way. I will have to go take some photos of the grave stones along the edge where I am pretty sure the occupants no longer rest in peace.

It was a creepy place to me as a child, not so much now. I often wonder about all of those people. Who were they? Where did they live? Were they happy? What did they look like? Although some of the graves have photos on them of the departed and THAT is creepy.. even though I often wonder these things.. More photos to come, when it is not buried under a foot of snow.

I had really wanted to study today, but that did not happen. That frustrates me. I have to run to Kingwood today. Don't wanna. Gotta clean the apt. downstairs too. Wonder how long its been since those walls were washed? LOL. Pea is much better today. Cough is minimal. No fevers.. She is driving me crazy and mad that there was no school today.

I am hoping that after I get her on the bus tomorrow, I can get downstairs and at least get the kitchen scrubbed down. Then, the next day I will do the bathroom, and so on. I will save the floors for last.

Wednesday, Sears is coming out to give us an estimate on installing heating and AC. We won't be able to do anything for awhile, but we at least need to know what in the heck we are looking at here. This place also needs an electrical overhaul, so I am looking into some electricians as well. And windows. Man, this place needs new windows.

Clearly, I need to hit the lotto. *sigh*

M woke me up at 4 a.m. this morning. She did not feel good. She had no fever, no cough, nada. I got her a drink and we snuggled on the couch. She fell back to sleep. I did for about 15 minutes, because then my neighbor was outside shoveling. He does this every time there is accumulation. He is well into his 80s, so it is impressive that he can get out there and do what he does. He has a HUGE driveway. He and his wife rarely go out. So WHY the need to shovel it at 4:30 a.m. is beyond me. What really sucks is when he breaks out the snowblower before 6 a.m.

He also has an awful cough. He often sounds like he is going to heave a lung right there in the driveway. It is hard to listen to. Ugh.

Anyway, M woke up again around 7:15 and asked for some juice. She still complained of not feeling good. She says nothing hurts and she has no fever, but now she has an icky cough. And I went up to snooze after T got up at 8, and I wake with full sinuses and a runny nose and watery eyes.

WHERE did this come from? We have been hermits for a week now!

Annnyway. It is snowing. Again. Heavily. And we have to head out because we are out of milk and butter and eggs and a few other things...

Until next time....

Someone needs to teach this kid of mine what SLEEPING IN means. Seven a.m. and she was waking me up. Grrrr. The first two things she asked for was cake and to go outside and play in the snow, neither of which are going to happen until after lunch. LOL.

There is a LOT of snow out there. I am only shoveling to the apartment downstairs and that is IT. It is still coming down hard. Sometimes, I cannot see the top of the mountain! I am hoping my neighbor comes by on his 4 wheeler to plow the sidewalk like he did the other day. That saved me some work!

I can smell the cake. I hope that I can wait til after lunch! Hahaa!!
I have some pics on my camera, but I just do not feel like dealing with it right now. I think I am gonna go plop on the couch. I will wake T at 8:30 and then I think I am making waffles for breakfast. mmmm.
I have to get the pics off of the camera before we go outside. I do not have a memory card yet and it can only hold 10 photos without the card.

Awrighty then, to the couch I go!

M has to have a blanket at all times. She is not specific, usually, about which one as long as she has one. So the one that she has been toting around for the last 2 weeks was gross. I tried to take it from her the other day to wash it and she was having no part of it. I had all of her other blankies out so she could choose one, and she flat out told me that she wanted her filthy, nasty blankie. Greaaat.

Last night, after she was asleep, I snuck in to her room and took that nasty thing and put it in the wash. I replaced it with a nice clean blanket and called it a night. This morning we were watching Clifford the Big Red Dog together before going out to the bus when she exclaims "HEY! Mommy! This does NOT look like my nasty, filthy blanket!!"

I am so glad that I didn't have to pee, because I would have busted RIGHT THERE. I REALLY had to work at not cracking up. I gently ignored her and said "Oh LOOK M, they are roller skating!" She didn't budge. She stood there, blanket in hand, staring me down. She repeated that the blankie in hand was NOT her gross blankie. I again said "Look! Roller skating!"

She narrowed her eyes at me. I grabbed her and asked for a hug. She obliged and we started talking about roller skating, and off to school she went with her nice clean blankie!

Crisis averted. For now. :)

This morning, I remembered my hat, AND my camera. It was a bit warmer this morning. I think I remembered seeing it on my phone, it was 29 this morning, as opposed to yesterday's 18. I waited a bit longer this morning before taking M out to wait for the bus. As soon as we walked up, the bus came around the corner. She looked at me and said "Good one Mom!" Hah. I snagged a quick kiss and hug and off she went... And I stood there like a dolt watching the bus drive off.

I grabbed my camera out of my pocket, aimed and snapped. This is not exactly what I had hoped this photo would be LOL as the bus was too far away and about to round a corner, and I did not have time to zoom. I love this camera though. I like how it captures colors as they are. The lights on our porch are yellow. I hate them. LOL. But to see what a warm glow it gives off makes me hate on them a bit less. Not sure what the deal is with the orbs or dust speckles or whatever you want to call them. Call me silly, but I would like to think that maybe my dad and nan and aunt were watching the bus take my baby to school with me. Cheesy. I know.. *sigh*

So, not exactly what any real photographer would even call a good shot, it is what it is. And years from now when I look at it, I will remember this morning as it was.

That photo a day thing? I had originally wanted that to be a photo that I took THAT DAY. Of course, I never specified that, so.. well... ppllbbbpppttt.

I think I stepped outside ONCE today and that was just to toss out a bag of trash. Today was spent cleaning and putting away all of the Christmas stuff, and CLEANING. Oh and more cleaning.

The more I cleaned, the more M trashed the place. That child is SO ready to go back to school. Her normal bed time is around 7:15 to 7:30 p.m. Tonight, knowing she had school tomorrow, she was heading up to her bedroom at 6:30! Woo.

Her playroom is still a disaster area. But my foyer, kitchen, bath, living room and the bedrooms are ALL CLEAN. I have 2 loads of laundry to finish up tomorrow and the kitchen floor needs washing and then I am DONE. For a whole day! LOL

So, the photo of the day is not going to be one that I took today because I never got out. At least I am posting SOMETHING.. in a few minutes...I don't want to just post a pic for the sake of posting a pic. I want it to be something of meaning.

BBL.

We were watching the Gators football game earlier today. There was a commercial on for visit tampa bay. T and I just looked at each other, and he says "How did they make it look so nice?"

LMAO.

I love FL, but left there with a seething hatred of Tampa. When I think Tampa, I think run down, drug infested, gang-ridden craphole. Ugh. I was amazed at the commercial and how beautiful and clean Tampa looked. I mean, it is not ALL bad. But most of it? Crap. Bah.

And with that, I am off to eat. I am starving.... See yah tomorrow.

I am not a religious person. I know the reason for the season and all that, but well, its never been about that for us. Christmas for us is about family and being together. I used to love buying gifts for my family members and friends. It bothers me that I cannot do that this year. I know that my friends and family understand and all. But I always took great joy in seeing their faces when they opened their gifts!

I know it should not be about that. But that is where a lot of the joy came from. Of course, GETTING is great too. But I liked the giving part best.

I have a pretty awesome family and I just miss those days of all being together at my Aunty Nancy's house.

I saw some guy on tv the other day berating some woman who wrote in to say that she could not afford to get her kids presents this year. The guy made some rather unsavory comments about this woman and it made me feel awful. We are going to be able to get M a few small things, but that is it. She will still be spoiled, as our friend J went all out crazy and got her a ton of stuff lol.

Thanks J.

I sure hope that next year is better for us financially.

I can say that I have a wish list... it is the same as last year. I want a Wii. And a Wii Fit.
I will be old and gray by the time I actually can afford one, but that is ok.

I have my family. Mom, M, T, and my extended family and friends. I have the BEST people in my life. So it is all good. All I want is for them to have a wonderful holiday, to stay safe and healthy, and to have much happiness...

Merry Merry!

I missed my mom so very much. Other than wanting her here with us, it was a wonderful day. I cooked a simple, small dinner. We had a turkey breast, apple bacon stuffing, corn, mashed potatoes with gravy and cranberry sauce. I also made two pumpkin pies. We ate around 12:30. T helped me clean up, and then we watched some football while M played in her playroom. We lounged on the couches all afternoon, getting random drive-by's from M... (these would be random, unsolicited hugs and kisses.) T napped off and on, and so did I. It was a wonderfully lazy afternoon. We finally got moving and went over to my cousin's house for dinner around 6. It was delicious, and we rolled on home around 8. We got M to bed after she watched the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special. T and I watched some football. I wanted to finish watching the game, but sometime during the 3rd qtr. I was toast. I went on up to bed, and slept SO good.

This morning, at around 7:40 (she slept in! WOO!), M came into our room to wake us. I sat up, and could see that it was snowing! We all ran to the window like idiots LOL. It came down pretty good for a bit, but did not stick and soon switched over to just rain. I tried to take a picture or two, but the snow did not show up on my camera! Maybe next time!

It is easy to get stuck on all that is wrong with life. It is easy to sit around and wallow in self pity. I don't have time to be like that any more. I am doing my best to focus on what I have and not on what I DON'T have. Life is too short for bullshit. I have wasted too much time being depressed.

Remind me of that the next time that I start whining, mmkay?

I have so much to be thankful for. It overwhelms me to think about it really.
My mom. I could write a book full of all of the things that she has done for me. SO grateful and very, very thankful for her unwavering support and love.

M. My goodness, I love my little girl. She is amazing and awesome and I am the luckiest woman in the world to be her mommy. Even if she does get beastly at times. LOL.

T. He has come a long way. He still has a way to go, but he has definitely come quite far. I do not know where we will end up, as we struggle every day with it all... but I am thankful that I get to sit down with him and M tomorrow to have dinner.

I am thankful for my cousins. It was them, and my mom, that made this all possible. I love being here.

I am thankful for my friends. I have some of the best friends in the WORLD. I love you guys and I so thankful that each of you are a part of our lives. :)

My family. We have some oddballs and some crazies, but gosh I love my family! I am hoping that they all have a wonderful day tomorrow and that they can find lots of things to be thankful for!!

This old house. Thankful to be here - that barely scratches the surface of how I feel being here...

We are so broke. Like, really really broke. Yet I still have SO much to be happy about. So I am just going to wallow in that happiness for awhile.

Happy Thanksgiving!! Have a wonderful time with your loved ones...