I have spent some time recently going through old photos. I came to the realization that I am missing a HUGE box of photos and mementos from about the time I was 11, til I was about 15 or 16. I am crushed. I believe the box was left behind at our old house, and I am pretty sure that the place has been emptied out by now. Not that I could do anything about it either way, now that the mortgage company has secured the house. *sigh*

Ah well. Anyway, I was scanning in some photos when I came across this one:





LOL. One day Joyce and I were at the beach. This guy walked up, and I swear to GOD he stood there, just like that, not moving a muscle, for what seemed like FOREVER. He had J and I cracking up. He looked like a statue. He literally stayed like that for a good hour. So J snapped this pic of him. We bring him up often in conversations because it was just too funny. I guess yah had to be there, so trust me, it was funny. :P

I miss my life in Florida. I miss Joyce and Peggy and 'my people' ... I miss Lin and going to the gym. I miss my MOM. But, I am finally settling into a good routine here and hoping that spring brings renewed energies and new opportunities for all of us..

Until next time....

Meh. I have tried to write up a post about 3 times and it just turns out to be a whine-fest. Truth is? I have become a jealous, bitter person. I see the happiness around me and I am pissed off that I no longer have that. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of fighting for it. He will never be happy. WE will never be happy. Thinking it is time to move on, yet when I put it out there and tell him that, he looks broken. I HATE that. Because I DO love him very much. Just tired of feeling like the only reason he is here is because he has nowhere else.

Happy Effing Valentine's Day to me. This used to be such a nice, special day. Pffft

See? STILL turned out to be a whiny post. Sorry 'bout that.

Years ago when I lived here as a kid, there was a row of blackberry and raspberry bushes along the cemetery, on the backside of a neighbors fence. They had the biggest, tastiest berries EVER. My friend L and I used to pick them and take them home. My mom would make jams, pies, muffins, etc. We would eat and eat and eat them, until we were ready to bust.

So, just now, on a Facebook page for our little town, a few of us were messaging back and forth about stealing fruits and veggies outta gardens when we were kids, and my friend D says "just do not plant anything in the cemetery!" An aside? We are all going to get together this spring to try to give the cemetery some love, as it is in major disrepair. Okay, so back to D's comment. All of a sudden it hit me..

The bushes! Were they so big and do so well because of the, uhm... well-fertilized ground there??
Oh man. I cannot tell you how grossed out I am right now!! Eep.

Funny though, no matter how gross. We never ever thought along those lines as kids. If you could have seen my face just then, when the thought crossed my mind! I am quite sure it was priceless...

There is someone from Fernandina Beach, FL that keeps hitting my Year In Review post, that really large post with all of the photos. That is, um, kind of unnerving. Just sayin'.

The other day, for whatever reason, I looked to see if the cr@ck whore was on Facebook. She is. UGH. I do not know why I do that to myself. I do not know how that woman lives with herself. I, at times, do not know how I live with MY self.

I love WV. I love this house. My mom forked over a lot of money to get us here. Now, the house has to be sold and my mom wants to buy it for me. And I am not sure that I want her to do that. I do not know if it is just the winter blues, or the guilt I feel over needing her to support us til we got on our feet, or just the fact that I am really missing FL (and that has NOTHING to do with the snow...) and my friends. I miss my LIFE.

Also? *sigh* I am not sure T and I are going to work out. I fought so hard for him, and I felt lost without him. I DO love him very much. But that spark, that... oomph, that we had, is gone. He says it isn't. I say it is. I am not going to get into specifics.. but last night while trying to go to sleep, it hit me that this is not the kind of relationship I want.

He is doing good. The depression is kicking it pretty hard so he is back on the Cymbalta. Ugh. He sees the doc in March. He is not messing with his meds at all, thankfully. But he is also just sort of... there.

He sleeps til 9 or 10. He gets up and plops on the couch, often napping til he works at 3. Then after work he comes down, and plops on the couch and dozes off. He does do the dishes after dinner and he takes out the trash. But that is about it. He will do ANYTHING I ask of him, but I am tired of asking. I want him to participate in this life, and really? He isn't. And he feels that he is working and trying to bring in money so he is doing his part. He does spend time with M, often reading to her or playing games.

Do I just want too much? I want things to be like they were, before the drugs. And I just do not think that is going to ever be the case. And living here? My chance of finding a decent man who does not do drugs, or have 4,000 kids is NIL.

The single life is much more appealing in FL. So.. I need to get school done. I need to wait til spring and til his doctors appointment. I need to wait a bit to see if things change. If not?

Well.. I just don't know. There is no money to get me back home, and once there, I have nowhere to live. I wont make enough to support M and I. I mean, in a few years I will work up to that. But FL is expensive.

Either way, I am getting WAY ahead of myself here. One day at a time, right? Right. Off to study...

I know that most of you who read here, follow me on Facebook. Which is why this place tends to get ignored. There is more interaction on Facebook. That is why blogging kind of irritates me. Yes, I blog for me. But knowing there are people reading... well.. COMMENT all ready. LOL All you have to do is use your gmail login. If you don't have one, you can sign up for one in about 3 seconds. It is free and you never have to use the email addy for anything but SHOWING ME LOVE. Hah.

Anyway, I went out the other day for a drive, and spent some time watching my river. :)
It really fascinates me. It was moving so fast, and there were these HUGE sheets of ice floating by...




They were crashing into the pylons, shaking the bridge. I was glad to get out and get some air. I sure do look forward to a clear, friendlier river this summer!! It was very windy and cold and so I watched for awhile, but when I could no longer feel my face and hands, I figured it was time to call it a day and head home.

One of the things that I love most about this old place, is the river. I often refer to it as 'my river'.. I think this annoys some people, and it certainly amuses others. Anyway, I LOVE to spend time in, on, and around the river. I find it relaxing to go and sit in a quiet little spot, listening to it rush by. I am afraid of it on days like today. It is angry today.

I am going to get out later to get some photos.

I am looking forward to the summer. There is a nice little place to camp right down the road, and it is along the river. This place is so beautiful in the summer. I am counting the days. The bleakness of winter has worn itself out with me. I still love to watch the snow fall, and love when everything is blanketed in white, but I think I have had enough. LOL.

Pics later....