I had wanted to get the apartment cleaned for when mom gets here, so that we can paint and stuffs.
Of course, the hot water tank for down there took a crap the other day. The bottom is all rusted out and it was spewing water all over the basement. Thankfully, there is a drain right beside the tanks!

My mom called my cousin about getting a new one, but I have yet to hear anything. I need hot water to clean!! Ugh. My cousins hubby was also going to fix the concrete stairs outside, and now that is not happening either.

FRUSTRATED. The stairs are a huge hazard. They are crumbling and very dangerous. :(

I can see buds on a lot of the trees. And my river looks oh so inviting, even if it IS still very cold outside. I NEED to go camping. And soon. *sigh*

Well, I need to go clean. Yay. :P

It was 18 degrees outside when I took M out to get the bus this morning. This kinda sucks. LOL.
This is the hardest thing for me. I want my FL weather. I REALLY do.

I am struggling SO hard with whether or not I want to stay here. Part of me REALLY does love it here. Spring and summer have so much potential here. But then I think of winter and having to face it again. Ugh.

I love the snow. I love watching it fall. I love going for walks in it. I love how it makes everything so beautiful. But then, it gets melty and gray and it makes a huge mess. The bleakness of winter pokes through again and well.. *sigh*

The truth of the matter is this.. I cannot afford to live anywhere else. Even when I get a job, it will not be enough for us to survive in FL. This schooling was never meant to support this family, it was to supplement T's income. Now I am left trying to figure out how it is going to pay the bills.

And here, it WILL suffice. In FL, we would have to live in the ghetto. Seriously.

This is the real hard part for me. We had it all once. And now? Pfft. Can't pay the bills. It is a tough pill to swallow, but I am just trying my hardest to make the best of what we DO have, even it is not much. We have M.. who is amazing in every way. We have my mom, who, what can I say? AMAZING. In every way.

I can get out of bed each day. I can see and smell and taste and move and BE. And that is a lot more than what some people have.

When I get in these funks, I just try to remember that I COULD be living under a bridge somewhere. So, I AM thankful.

I just miss FL and the beach and the WARM WEATHER.

*sigh*

That is the day! We get mom at the airport on the 17th. I cannot wait.

We are not telling M. We want to surprise her! :)

I have a lot of work to do before then! Between school and cleaning up down stairs, Ima gonna be BUSY. Oy. :)

Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a memory will pop into my head. A memory from my old life. Today it was just a simple memory, yet it brought me to my knees.

I walked to the sink to do the few dishes that were soaking, and as I looked up and out the window, this memory of standing in front of my sink, looking out at T lighting the tiki torches around the pool flooded my brain.

The pets were in various places around the pool, watching T.
M was in her playroom. Her little hands were planted firmly on the glass of the slider, watching her daddy. We were getting ready for yet another night outside in the glorious FL weather. Steaks at the ready, grill heating up, bathing suits on...

It literally brought me to my knees. The pain I felt in that moment was very similar to the pain I have felt at the loss of a loved one. How freaking insane in THAT?? I mean, I am really trying to NOT be all dramatic here, but, it was a gut-wrenching feeling. I rarely look back on that time, as it is indeed far too painful. Sometimes though, I do not have a choice.

I am trying my hardest to focus on life here, and now. Yet, 'back then' WILL find its way forward into this new life, as that is WHO we are. Tiki torches, darts, fires, grilling out.. that is all WHO we are. And I look forward to bringing that into the here and now.

I am hoping that in due time, the memories of the past will not be so damned sharp.

I got an e-card from my mom the other day that simply stated:

"HAPPY RETIREMENT TO ME!! AS OF 4/15

WEST BYGOD HERE I COME

LOVE YA!!!!!"

It made me cry. Actually, I think sob is a better word for it. I miss my mom so much! I hope she can be happy here. She is about to become a true snowbird! She will spend winter in FL. Which means no having her here on Christmas. We may have to figure something out in regards to that, because I really want her around for Christmas. *sigh*

So, I have to hurry hurry with school and I have to deep clean the apartment, so that when she gets here, we can paint and get carpeting. The place needs new windows desperately.

Anyway, I cannot wait. She made my YEAR with that email. :)

Sometimes, I have a hard time letting go. I do not really hold grudges, per se, but sometimes I just cannot let go. As the saying goes, "I don't have issues, I have volumes!" So true.

For instance, I just came across the photos of a gal on Flickr that I used to know, and by know I mean that we used to read and comment on each other's blogs. I had posted about how complete my life was on a Valentine's Day many moons ago, and she commented on my blog all nasty-like. She said that she was tired of me blathering on about my happy, wonderful life and that she was ugly, unhappy, alone, and would never find someone to love her. I went to her blog to comment and ask, "WTF?" When I went over there, she had written a whole post about me and how she was so tired of my blathering about my perfect life, and how I was boring anyway and that she removed my link and was not going to bother with me anymore. Then her lemming commenters all trashed me. People who had NO idea who I was, or who had even ever read my blog!

Before I got pissed off at her nastiness, I felt really bad for her. In all honesty, she was not a very pretty girl. But I had really liked her. I liked her blog and what she had to say. I felt that we had a lot in common. She was in to photography and I thought she was very good. I was hurt by her words.

Then I just got mad. I mean, to be so pissy to another because you are jealous? That is some yuckiness right there. What a way to live, yah know?

Well, I just came across her on Flickr again, after YEARS of not even really thinking about her. She is now married, with a one-year-old son. It was nice to see her so happy. I mean, she looks really, REALLY happy. And it made me smile for her.

I am not mad anymore. :)

But before I came to that conclusion of not being mad any more, I had a moment where I wanted to email her and tell her that I was glad she found someone and is now a mom, and I hoped she was happy to have it all, because I lost what I had and I hoped that made her happy.

But then, really? Talk about petty!! Gosh. I hate when I think along those lines!
I cannot carry around baggage like this. It is not healthy. So, I took a deep breath and let it go.

Because while I may not have what I USED to have... I have my M. And T, even though we have ups and downs and good days and days where I simply want him gone, it is a HELL of a lot better than it was at this point last year and the year before.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Perspective is everything.

Loving that my girl likes being outside! On the way to the store yesterday, she was noticing all of the little water falls that pop up all over the place when we have heavy rain. So I decided to stop where I knew there was a bigger one so she could check it out. There are some old limestone caves there as well and she made a beeline for them! She thought they were the coolest things EVER. I always thought so too when I was a kid.










When I was able to drag her from the caves, we went to check out the waterfall. It had started to rain and the wind had picked up, so she wanted to go back into the caves! Haha. I was able to snap a quick pic and then it was back to the car! She was mad.. and she informed that I HAVE to take her back to the caves someday, with a flashlight so she can see the dark places. :)




I really cannot wait to take her camping and exploring! She is just going to love it when we can get out and actually do things with her! And we will have just as much fun!