Huh.

Years ago, in middle school, there was this gal that I thought was my friend. Her name is Suzanne. She invited a bunch of us over for a sleep-over. I think there were 5 or 6 of us girls there, and it started off fun enough.

Keep in mind that most of these girls were very confident. I was not. I was picked on for being fat (which i was not!) and I was picked on for being a tomboy (which I was, and I have no shame for that.) and I thought these girls were my FRIENDS.

Suzanne had a brother named Mikey. He was a cutie. They thought it would be funny to try to get me to believe that Mikey liked me. I did not believe it. Towards the end of the night, after HOURS of them goading me, I started to think that MAYBE it could be true.

Just before we all went to sleep, Suzanne started laughing at me. She then said "We were KIDDING! You do not honestly believe that my brother would actually like YOU, do you?" The rest of the girls erupted into fits of laughter, and I was left feeling like a useless piece of shit. I cried myself to sleep that night.

The morning was torture. I felt like such a fool. Where as the night before (before the trickery) I had felt like I belonged, now I felt like a total outcast. My mom could not get there fast enough to get me.

I ended up with a raging hatred for Suzanne. It just festered and festered. I cannot say that I held much of anything other than disdain for the other girls as well.

I just found her on Facebook. She was in the friends list of a mutual friend. As soon as I saw her face, I knew it was her. She really looks like her brother these days. I could see his face. This led me to asking said friend about Mikey. Not sure why I cared, but I did ask. I did not get the typical answer that I expected. As in, "Oh.. he is married and living in [place], has a few kids, etc..."

No. What I got told was that there was a horrible accident, and hes dead.

And I hate this about me, but, well, I did not feel bad about it.

I did not rejoice or anything. I did not take pleasure in this fact, but I did not go "OH my gosh! Really?", like I would have done with any one else. And I thought about Suzanne and what a nasty person she was, at least to me. And I thought of her suffering the loss of her brother.

And I did not feel bad.

Now. Usually, I am quite empathetic. I really am. If you know me, you KNOW this about me. However, I had no empathy for her. None.

Ugh. This is one of the things that I really want to change about myself over the next year. I have a LOT of things I want to change. But, well, one thing at a time.
Just getting this out there makes me feel better.

We cannot change what we do not acknowledge, right?