Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a memory will pop into my head. A memory from my old life. Today it was just a simple memory, yet it brought me to my knees.
I walked to the sink to do the few dishes that were soaking, and as I looked up and out the window, this memory of standing in front of my sink, looking out at T lighting the tiki torches around the pool flooded my brain.
The pets were in various places around the pool, watching T.
M was in her playroom. Her little hands were planted firmly on the glass of the slider, watching her daddy. We were getting ready for yet another night outside in the glorious FL weather. Steaks at the ready, grill heating up, bathing suits on...
It literally brought me to my knees. The pain I felt in that moment was very similar to the pain I have felt at the loss of a loved one. How freaking insane in THAT?? I mean, I am really trying to NOT be all dramatic here, but, it was a gut-wrenching feeling. I rarely look back on that time, as it is indeed far too painful. Sometimes though, I do not have a choice.
I am trying my hardest to focus on life here, and now. Yet, 'back then' WILL find its way forward into this new life, as that is WHO we are. Tiki torches, darts, fires, grilling out.. that is all WHO we are. And I look forward to bringing that into the here and now.
I am hoping that in due time, the memories of the past will not be so damned sharp.
2 comments:
You are an extremely strong woman. I don't know how you have hung in there this long. As long as you and M are safe and trying to be happy thats all that matters. I luffs you both, I'm always here for ya.
My God Jen, beautifully written.
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